Perspective

Whenever I start to feel... down/off/sad/frustrated/etc.  I try to regain some perspective.  This is my favorite prayer - (the whole thing)

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as the way to peace,
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that he will make all things right
if I surrender to his will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with him forever in the rest.
Amen.
- Reinhold Niegbuhr

I absolutely love being in Westfield, WI.  Close to my grandparents and so much history of my family.  I love living in my little cabin in the woods, 100 feet from a beautiful lake.  It's a dream world.  I get to serve people and teach people, and work with kids.  Yet there is always a but.  I miss my friends.  I get lonely.  But I have been blessed and I will trust and have faith.  I was not created to be alone.  Somewhere out there, is a match for me, god willing I will find him sooner rather than later. 

I had a wonderful moment today that brightened my day with a friend who is far away.  Best of luck with that pomegranite tree, dance lots, and think of me - chilling in my hammock by the lake. 

Peace,
your sister in Christ~
Erin 

Walking my path

Life is a series of experiences, and part of what I love about it all is that depending on where you're at you see and learn different things from them.  There are many days were I love walking my path, but there is still a lot of uncertainty of what and how.  I suppose there always will be.

There will always be days where I flip out.  There will always be days when I break down.  Worrying is one of the things I do best.  I always worry about those I care about.  In my own way.

I wonder about who I am in how I do things.  I guess I will always do things however they are the most comfortable for me - don't we all?  Yet I do always try to consider how everything I do will effect others.  I laugh at how many times I've been scolded and told to take care of myself and stop thinking about others.  It's how I connect and care for people - yet sometimes I feel like it all happens in my head.

We are all born with preferences and needs.  And it's easier to be with those who are like us.  Yet at the same time the world holds so much.  Other ways to live, other preferences... can challenge your own and compliment your own.  One school of thought is to know yourself, be strong, and go out into the world with a purpose.  Another school of thought is to constantly seek out new opportunities and new experiences, being in a state of constant flux and change and growth.  Oh how to find a balance!  

I get to own my own feelings.  I get to say them however I feel.  Yet sometimes I feel them and then I get over them.  Other times they keep sneaking up on me over and over.  I still get to own them.

I know that I'll be okay on my path, but I've been fighting parts of it for a long time.  I feel like I want to explain why to myself, yet it is difficult without making excuses.  It just seems to me that seminary while it seems so right, so what I've been looking for - it is also giving up all control.

Judge less... sigh.  Love more...
Ouch.

I don't know how to be me here most of the time.  When I'm working, with kids or clients, then I feel great - like myself.  But other times I feel hurt.  I feel like I'd felt at home growing up with my parents.  Not accepted, not encouraged, just put up with.  My reactions aren't judgement - or at least not meant to be, but perception is everything.  All I ever wanted was to be accepted and fit in.  sigh... I guess we all failed each other.

Always learning about myself and how to better love others.
Trying so hard,
~Erin

Me and My head

Me.
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?

Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble.  There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am.  I love taking personality tests to see what they say.  I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think.  I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities.  But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world.  So much FEELING!!!  It drives me nuts sometimes.  It keeps me from being productive.  It pulls me down.

For example - I am an Extravert.  With a capital E.  In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0.  It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that.  But it's NOT me.  When left alone - I don't function well.  I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there.  And I have been alone so much lately.  Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy.  I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates.  I miss having roommates that are involved in my life.  I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met?  Because my needs are not getting met.  And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work.  I am just lonely.  But it effects me just as much.

And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be.  I love to learn and embrace new things.  Try new places and make new friends.  It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here.  I don't know what I can do differently.  But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry.  So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am ruled by my emotions.  I can admit it.  I work fine.  Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check.  This ... not so fine.

I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting.  Fighting to keep peace in my family.  Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world.  Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal".  Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work.  Fighting to keep my head above water personally.  Always fighting.

Some things are important.  I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting.  Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine.  Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had.  And worse... no one was here to hold me.

God never gives us more than we can handle.  But I'm sick of being a fighter.  I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break.  Coming home to myself... sucks.  For me.  I totally get that that's what some people need.  But it stresses me out!!!  Patience Erin, just give it time.  People will come into your life when they are suppose to.

Or do I need to work on how I am?  Become more open?  More tolerant?  Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition?  I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better.  But it wouldn't be the real me.  The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed.  Laughing and being crazy with my sister.  Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them.  The glowing perfectly happy me.

I just want to be me.  But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier.  Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is.  Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love."  And I loved it.  I wonder if people warn others about me like that?  I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time  - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about".  But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you.  And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too.  I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense.  Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears.  Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?

So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.

Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.

In peace,
Erin

I

Don't you just love it when you a reading a book and you completely agree with what the author is saying! Sometimes when I'm reading I feel like I'm learning, sometimes I am just being entertained by a good story, sometimes I get mad because I don't agree with the thoughts and ideas, occasionally however I completely agree!

As I am reading "Blue like jazz" the author comes to the conclusion that there is a problem with people.  In christian terminology we refer to this as being a "broken" people.  In life this represents our failures.  I am consistently 5-20 minutes late.   I get really excited and tend to interrupt others ALOT.  Laundry and I sit in our own corners and stare  - we'll see who wins.  I can't seem to shake my loneliness sometimes.  I am flawed; I am broken.

What's more though is that the world is broken.  In an incredibly insightful conversation with a friend, the author was confronted with his own humanity.  We are all humans and can do many things - some good, some horrific.  It is not difficult to look around and see the terrible things happening in our world, and often by humans to others.  "Are you capable of that (referring to murdering and raping people in the Congo)" - the authors friend asked.  Rock, meet hard place.  If I say no, I am saying that I am superior.  Therefore I must say yes, sigh - yikes.  The world is broken, and we are all involved and capable of breaking, and ... fixing?

Then the author comes to my favorite point in chapter 1 - I am the problem.  I am the problem.  I am selfish and self centered and hypocritical.  It is too hard for me to actually follow through with doing anything else.  I have to do what's good for me.  I don't have a choice - I need this.  Well at least I don't _______.  I am the problem.

I have been dancing around this idea trying to grasp my own understanding for some time now.  I am the problem in the world.  I like that.  Well, not that I want to be, but I love the honesty and fire it lights.  There is a combination of responsibility, privilege, consumerism, and selfishness I am trying to grasp.

For example, I am hungry - so I go to the grocery store and I buy some bread, salami (my favorite), cheese, melon, and a bar of chocolate.  I am privileged enough to go and buy those things that I like - even though some of them have traveled a long way to get to my plate here in Ohio.  Do I have a responsibility to my brothers and sisters around the world? - perhaps instead of buying a Nestle or a Hershey's chocolate bar I can buy one that is fair trade (like coffee).  Don't I have a responsibility to be an informed and good consumer?  However that is complicated, difficult, and I just want my lunch.  So salami sandwich (I have no idea about the quality of this meat and or the chemicals in it...) grill in my sandwich maker so I can have what I want.

Yes, I am the problem.

But I can help.  It takes time, knowledge, and I will mess up.  But I have to care.  I have to know where my food, my clothes, my money goes to support.  It is my responsibility.  So -

Little things I can do:
- be a chocolate snob (thanks Molly McKay!) buy organic fairly traded chocolate - it's better!
- look for local markets for produce
- buy things in season so they don't have to be shipped to you across the planet (bananas in Feb in Ohio)
- know your butcher and where your meat comes from
- research brands and companies - clothing, shoes, stores
- be picky and willing to spend a little more to make a difference for someone you'll never know
- share good food/clothes/information with your friends
- buy local - shop at the little stores and boycott the box stores whenever possible

Gotta love Ghandi -
"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I am capable of atrocities.  I am also capable of love.

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Courage

Today I go into my meditation with concerns and seeking specific wisdom.
I want to have courage.
Courage to stand up for myself.
But I AM afraid
Afraid of what people will think

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

We all want to liked.  I have this issue - I would really like to be loved.  But I have this little hunch that part of this year is God teaching me that the only love I need is his.  I took this year off.  I took time to go teach kids and play outdoors.  I made the choice against some of my better judgement.  But there are many lessons I'm being taught as well.  I only have to look out to the wonder and beauty outside to be reminded of God's hand in my life.

I have expressed to some of my close friends that I am feeling very isolated.  It is not like me at all to sit alone or leave a group to go read a book or take a walk.  I LOVE people.  It is not that the staff where I work are not caring individuals, they are wonderful people.  I have seen many really reach people with they way they teach and the way they care.  But I don't fit in.  Often I remove myself from the situation if possible because I am uncomfortable.  I'm searching for the strength to stand up for myself and say something.

I have been reading a book about Dietrich Bonhoeffer - Saints and Villians.  It's wonderful.  And while I am reading it I find I am loving his character.  I'm not sure if it's because of the way this author is portraying him or if that's really how he was, but I love him.  I can completely relate to the way that he (his character in the book) goes through moods and takes to himself.    Sometimes he makes comments that make him seem arrogant, but soon you learn he is just trying his best to be honest.

He is famous for his courage to stand up against Hitler, from the church, and speak out for the Jews.  Many Christians at this time didn't have the courage.  They were worried about themselves.  Many ideas and ideologies as well as sterotypes and prejudice played into the situation, but the church of Germany actually split.  The Reich church held the belief that the church existed to serve the state.  Not humanity.

Bonhoeffer spoke out against this.  I'm looking forward to delving into his work "The Cost of Discipleship."  I hope it will give me courage as well as direction.



Philippians 1:20
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

I pray for the strength and the courage of my brothers and sisters in Christ to stand up against the ideas of the world and the words to speak to do so in love.  Even in the small places in my own life.

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Lectio divina

Another art and tradition of meditation - the art of reading while listening for the still small voice of God.

I think of it (as best I have read/studied) in 4 steps:

1 - lectio is the first step where you read or listen to a selected section of scripture, either alone or in a group, and while reading focus on listening (not the typical speed reading).  Read until a certain word or phrase speaks to you personally.
2 - meditatio is the second step where you take some time to focus on that word or phrase.  Memorize it, repeat it just take some time to think about the meaning it has for you and take you deeper with it
3 - oratio is the third step and is prayer to God about the word or phrase that has spoken to you and meant to help take you deeper again
4 - contemplatio is the forth step where you rest in the presence of God and accept the message you have been reading/meditating/praying on

Just another option out their for meditation, I first experienced it in a small group.  I like that it is a bit more structured than meditating with a mantra, however I have come to love them both.  

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Presence

Sigh.  =)  I meditated today.

There is something about the presence of God, to me it's like being wrapped up in a blanket and held.  My message today was an age old one that we too often forget to take to heart.

My beloved, I love you.

No complicated theology, no parables, no judgments or exhalations.  I forget that my creator loves me.  It's why we are christians!  It's what we talk about all the time!  But do we take time to experience the love of God in our lives?  To just be with God and feel that holy peace?  There's nothing simple about it - it is a deep, all knowing, beautiful kind of love that we all seek but too often don't find.  We rush around - trust me, i'm great at it.  I am reminded of my best friend.  We don't get to spend a great deal of time together, and the time we do spend together isn't really epic or really planned.  It's the moments of just hanging out and being with each other that we feel each others love.  

Yet there is always something to do, people to help, commitments to fulfill.  We don't take the time it takes to quiet ourselves.  To remember that while God can surprise us in the smile of a another or touch our souls in a song, we need to take the time to just be in the Lord's presence and be still.

For Elijah didn't find God in the storm or the wind or the fire of life, but in the stillness.  It takes me almost a half an hour to focus on my breathing and try my best to clear all those thoughts from my mind. But when I reach that place where I am connected with the holy spirit it is indescribable.

Take some time today or tomorrow to quiet your mind and your soul and let the creator of the universe hold you, recharge you, and remind you that you claimed, you are a beloved child of God.

your sister in Christ~Erin

Meditating

Okay - so honest, this is the second monday I have not meditated.  =(  I really miss meditation in my life.  My favorite way to meditate is with a mantra.  I sit in a quiet place and focus.  I repeat the mantra over and over again to quiet my soul and mind (this can take 1/2 at times, sigh!) and I listen.  Sometimes I am just content to be in the presence of God, other times I will be lead to something I needed to know or focus on in my life.  Afterwards I pray and am always so peaceful and tranquil and ready to go out into the world.  I would love to get back in the habit.

The mantra I have felt lead to in the last year has been:

"Be still and know that I am God"

I'm still working on that.

It's easier for me to spend hours working on the blog - new template, trying new gadgets, (I am trying to get a bookshelf of the books I am reading, but it just gives a link!  Oye vey!!)  But I can't take an hour a day to mediate?  Or even once a week?  I'm working on that.  At least I am almost keeping up with the once daily blogging.  We'll just have to see where it goes.

God Bless your and yours!
Your sister in Christ~ Erin

Taffy

Today I find myself in an old personal struggle.  There are some verses here in Matthew that speak to my heart and give me peace.  And there are some verses that twist knots in my stomach.

12.36 "I tell you, on the day of judgement you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter"

11.28"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

10.24"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth, I have not come to bring peace but a sword"

12.50 "For whoever does the will of my father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother"

I feel pulled like taffy...

Lord,
Please grant me the wisdom to understand your word and how it should guide my life.  Amen.

your sister in Christ~Erin