Control

There are so many things to do in a day I find it difficult to handle it - yet I don't deal well with large periods of free time. I tend to go out and find something to get involved in and then I have too much to do later. Anyhow, with everything in life from doing homework, going to work, and balancing my checkbook with my social life on good days I feel as if I have some control over my life. Maybe this is decieving. But right now I feel like life is so far out of balance and there isn't much I can do to fix it. I am off to CWES (central wisconsin environmental station) tomorrow morning for 2 weeks of indepth field study, then home and back in a weekend before camp begins. June and the begining of July should be fine - just getting ready for Europe!

While I struggle with this not having control thing we go to see the new Narnia movie. Great film, granted it was alot of action and alittle much battle scenes for me. However, the message hit me hard. Peter, the oldest brother and high king, didn't appreciate having Prince Caspian around and the two struggled with who should lead and who's ideas they should follow. The main characters found themselves in a major jam and were trying to figure out what to do - it seemed obvious - they had to do something big to get the bad guys out of Narnia. Convinced that they could do it on their own, Peter leads the troops into a surprise battle that does not end well. Despite how hard they try, they really don't have control over the situation and trying harder isn't going to make it any better - really just worse. Luckily the littlest one, Lucy, remembers who they need to go when life's problems are bigger than they can handle.

With the little bits of control I have in my life - what to wear, what to do on the weekends, where to live, and many such things I feel like I am in control of my life. I find a place to live, work to earn money, and pay rent. Sometimes I get to prideful in how well I can make my life work. Especially when I just scrape by. This isn't what God wants for my life. He wants me to hand over all of my troubles to him and life my life entirely for him. Not just the parts I want - but control of all of me.

On days where I just can't do it anymore this seems the perfect solution. . . but what about when I'm doing good? Much harder. I feel like I'm entitled to some things. But how much better would my life be if I just prayed for help, for guidence, for God to lead me in my path? Things would be much smoother and not so questionable. Lord please help me remember who is really in control of this world - and where my place is next to you.

Peace,
Your sister in Christ~Erin

Bleeding Heart

Today my heart sinks as I read many of the commentaries from General Conference. I tend to be a person who wears my heart on my sleeve and right now it is bleeding from the hateful words thrown around on the blogosphere.

I will be honest - I believe that the God who created the world, you, me, and everything around us we see and don't see loves us unconditionally. UNCONDITIONALLY. And made us perfect just the way we are. Reguardless of color, nationality, economic status, health status, addictions, flaws, genders, and yes - sexual orientation. REGARDLESS.

This is a God too large for me to fully understand. This is a God without a gender. There is no he there is no she - God is outside of these boundries and boxes for humanity. But he made this creation and said it was good.

Sometimes I think we use words that we don't often consider the implications of. God is love. A very common verse many of us refer to. God's love is unconditional is another truth I can not imagine a christian disagreeing with. I feel however that many of my christian brothers and sisters today want to say that while God does love all of us we can only affirm those among us who fit into our groups. This is not unconditionally love. This is not true acceptance.

Never in a million years would I want everyone to share my views and opinions. God gave us all different minds for a reason. But I expect love back from my brothers and sisters who are of different mindsets than me. Love in the forms of respect, courtesy, honestly, and understanding. An understanding that while we may disagree neither of us has to be right or wrong. We don't have to leave the church and begin a new one. We don't have to accuse each other in our own denomination of being the anti-christ. We don't have to be enemies.

In my humble opinion Jesus taught a message of inclusion. He went to religious people and gatherings - he taught in the temple! Yet he also went and made friends with those who today would not be allowed in our churches. We have heard this again and again and I have seen improvement - however today there is not a spirit of love between us. Not a fire burning within us to go out and make disciples.

"Wesley believed that the living core of the Christian faith was revealed in Scripture, illumined by tradition, vivified in personal expereince, and confirmed by reason"

SCRIPTURE, TRADITION, EXPERIENCE, REASON - not one of these categories are easy answers. I don't want to be labeled a liberal, a fundatmentalist, or anything else. I don't want a watered down hipie Jesus hanging out and loving everyone.

I want a faith that challenges me to not only be a better person but to entirely rely on my God. I don't want a faith that makes me feel good about myself but a faith in which I can serve and make an impact in the lives of others. I don't want an easy formula of truth straight from the bible. I want a faith entangled in scripture, tradition, my experience, and my reason. A personal relationship with God in which I can live, breathe, and exist.

This is why I am United Methodist. Like any other religion it is not perfect, but the fellowship, group worship, and encouragement I recieve from my fellow methodists helps me grow in my faith. Some days it is easy, and others it is impossible, but everyday there is a hope that God is my rock and my salvation, comfort in the time of storm.

I can only hope that through the difficultness of life and legislation we as United Methodists can continue to grow in our faith, rely on God, and take on the challenge to unconditionally love.

Your sister in Christ~Erin