Perspective

Whenever I start to feel... down/off/sad/frustrated/etc.  I try to regain some perspective.  This is my favorite prayer - (the whole thing)

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as the way to peace,
taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that he will make all things right
if I surrender to his will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with him forever in the rest.
Amen.
- Reinhold Niegbuhr

I absolutely love being in Westfield, WI.  Close to my grandparents and so much history of my family.  I love living in my little cabin in the woods, 100 feet from a beautiful lake.  It's a dream world.  I get to serve people and teach people, and work with kids.  Yet there is always a but.  I miss my friends.  I get lonely.  But I have been blessed and I will trust and have faith.  I was not created to be alone.  Somewhere out there, is a match for me, god willing I will find him sooner rather than later. 

I had a wonderful moment today that brightened my day with a friend who is far away.  Best of luck with that pomegranite tree, dance lots, and think of me - chilling in my hammock by the lake. 

Peace,
your sister in Christ~
Erin 

Influences

I am often surprised by the things I don't notice.  Often during a day I will hear something I think is really cool or see something really awesome and say to myself - sweet!  remember that!  I did that this morning actually.... I'm not sure what about though.

In my case, I am more influenced by presence then anything else.  I really do love living with my grandparents, especially in those little moments where grandma just looks and me and gives me a hug.  Her way of saying, "what would I do without you right now girl?".

Yet at the same time there are many things I want to be focusing on right now, and many things dragging me down.  EXPECTATIONS!!!  I am soooo sick of trying to explain to people why I'm making this choice right now.  To stay with my grandparents instead of go to seminary.  I don't have a good job here.  I can't just say out loud to everyone that they really need me.  Yes, I'm waiting to go back to school.  When I try to say explain it, I get a look that makes me feel like I'm not going anywhere.  Oh.  and a change of subject.

I have always been the motivated child with hopes and dreams and plans.  Right now I feel like I'm just sitting around.  It drags me down.  I drag me down.

But the other day I went to camp.  I could feel the excitement run through me.  Working on grants, answering the door, just being there with people around made my day.  Nothing all that special happened.  I didn't touch anyone's life or save the world from hunger.  Yet just being there was a positive influence.

I do miss my friends.  Many of them are all around the world.  I think back to crazy times that many of them have been there for me.  Late night chats, crazy shenanigans, "family" meals... They still influence me today.  But it's not necessarily the things they say - it's the things they do and their presence.  I keep tabs with a few by reading their blogs.  Isn't it funny how you can really hear a person through how they write sometimes?  It's like they are right there telling you about it themselves.  You smile, you laugh out loud... you feel like they are still there.

Thank you God for the positive influences in my life.  Even when they are far away.

In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Expectations and let downs

Being lonely is a part of life, right?

I had a good morning, really a great morning.  I was invited to the sweethearts breakfast at church and I sat by several good friends.  Then we had book club - we read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet - which was amazing.  Inspirational, emotional, historically accurate, and encouraging.  Then between the library and the book store I got more books a few movies and a good day coming.

I'm excited for my shawl to be done and start another for our living history programs.  I'd really like to get some costumes that fit ME and look good for work too.  I'm working on a great tablecloth for my mom, I am almost done sewing, but I'd really like to hand quilt it.  =)

So lots to do and learn and think about, but still I just got hit with a bout of sadness and loneliness.  I have so many in my life that love me.  My church here in Ohio is wonderful.  My family has really begun to accept me for who I am.  I have wonderful friends.  But there are others in my life who have let me down from my original expectations - you know?  I've been told I give a lot to those in my life.  My time, my energy, my love.  Without seeming to want anything in return... but I beg to be loved.  A note, a hug, a comment, just walking with me - something to let me know that you see me here.  Just trying to fulfill my calling and my purpose.

Sometimes I just wonder about having expectations for relationships.  Is there anyway to avoid the hurt when things don't turn out the way you'd like?  Is this just life?  I have expectations that when I love others - hopefully some of them will love me back.  I try to rest in the knowledge that the creator of the world loves me more than I can imagine and has more for me than I can ever know.  Yet sometimes I find myself wishing for that human love.  To have the physical touch of someone holding you.

Someday.  God willing.

~We can not do great things.  Only small things with great love.  - Mother Teresa

For know, I will rejoice in who I am and the lover of my soul.

In peace and love,
your sister in Christ~Erin