I am often surprised by the things I don't notice. Often during a day I will hear something I think is really cool or see something really awesome and say to myself - sweet! remember that! I did that this morning actually.... I'm not sure what about though.
In my case, I am more influenced by presence then anything else. I really do love living with my grandparents, especially in those little moments where grandma just looks and me and gives me a hug. Her way of saying, "what would I do without you right now girl?".
Yet at the same time there are many things I want to be focusing on right now, and many things dragging me down. EXPECTATIONS!!! I am soooo sick of trying to explain to people why I'm making this choice right now. To stay with my grandparents instead of go to seminary. I don't have a good job here. I can't just say out loud to everyone that they really need me. Yes, I'm waiting to go back to school. When I try to say explain it, I get a look that makes me feel like I'm not going anywhere. Oh. and a change of subject.
I have always been the motivated child with hopes and dreams and plans. Right now I feel like I'm just sitting around. It drags me down. I drag me down.
But the other day I went to camp. I could feel the excitement run through me. Working on grants, answering the door, just being there with people around made my day. Nothing all that special happened. I didn't touch anyone's life or save the world from hunger. Yet just being there was a positive influence.
I do miss my friends. Many of them are all around the world. I think back to crazy times that many of them have been there for me. Late night chats, crazy shenanigans, "family" meals... They still influence me today. But it's not necessarily the things they say - it's the things they do and their presence. I keep tabs with a few by reading their blogs. Isn't it funny how you can really hear a person through how they write sometimes? It's like they are right there telling you about it themselves. You smile, you laugh out loud... you feel like they are still there.
Thank you God for the positive influences in my life. Even when they are far away.
In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin
1 comment:
Erin, you don't have to do anything for anyone else. As long as you know that what you are doing is making you happy, as long as you know that you are being true to yourself then stand up and be proud of yourself. I think you are awesome Erin and if you need this time at your grandparents to grow and get to know yourself better or because this is where God has lead you than don't let anyone make you feel bad about that!
It can be hard to feel confident in yourself and your decisions when someone is giving you the eyes of judgement. When I tell people I'm getting my Master's everyone is always full of congratulations and how wonderfuls but then they always ask what my field is. As soon as I say Religious Studies their face falls and the word "oh" in many varieties follows. Then with a look of concern comes the question, What are you going to do with that? But what they really mean is why would you do that? What kind of future can you make for yourself in that field? It took me awhile to look people in the eye and tell them that I don't know what I'm going to do but that Religion is Awesome! I've turned more than one person's fallen face into one of curiosity.
Erin, I love you no matter if you are at seminary, at your grandparents, or moving into a cardboard box. Happiness does not = success by the standards of others. Happiness = being true to yourself regardless of the judgements of others. Regardless of how you're feeling right now you have touched the life of so many people Erin, me included.
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