Just words today

I have no intended message here.  Not sure why I feel the need to write today...?  For me?  For you? Whomever you are.  Life is so full of everything right now, I am not keeping up well.  That plate idea - not only do I have a side salad and a full dinner plate, but some soup, dessert, and at least 3 glasses of something.  People in different spheres ask me if there is too much, but to an extent, I like it this way.

I love the work I am doing.  The hugs I get from the children, the stories from parents, and the appreciation from others that my ideas and energy are motivating and helpful - that's what gets me through chapters and chapters of reading.

I love the babysitting I get to do.  Each one of the children I get to cart around with me are a joy (albeit - not always) and getting to know them, share in their stories, and just laugh and play keeps me sane.

I love my friends.  There are a great number of people in my life right now who are honest, authentic, and challenging.  We all have needs.  I can't fill them all.  But it makes my soul sing to be present with others in their lives.  I learn so much.  It's not always sunshine and roses, but I try hard to look through the storms to see the beauty of a raindrop, or feel the comforting embrace of the wind.  I am truly an annoying eternal optimist.  I only wish I could be with them more, offer more of myself and my resources, yet life and responsibility calls.  There are so many in whom I have already lost touch with.  It scares me how fast people walk in and out of my life.  All I can do somedays is live in the moment with whom is here, and continue to add the others to that never ending prayer list.

Interpersonal.  It's my best learning style.  Just be with me.  Talk to me.  Teach me.

I could get on the "people don't understand me" train.  To be honest, I think that it's partly true.  Many have told me (for years) I am the most extraverted person they have ever met.  Some friends roll their eyes at my habits of knowing a servers name at a restaurant  or honestly answering the question "how are you today?".  I know I'm a handful in a travel size package, and I know that I talk to much.  So what?

I intentionally decide to interact with the world around me and see the good.  Most days it keeps me happy.  Other days I color.  Or sing.  But it's hard when life beats on you, or someone you care about.  There are times where you are trying so hard, and it just flies back in your face.  Then I cry.  And I sing, or play piano.  And I pray.  And finally, I get the crayons back out, and color some more.

I have a million things going on right now, with work, school, and people in my life - but I love them all and am grateful.  My masochistic self even offers to do more.  Sleep is over-rated anyway.  Realistically though - I am young and single and live in Chicagoland.  I don't know what my life holds, but I hope someday I won't be single or childless.  Then opportunities will change.  For today - I shall put on my cute and cuddly winter things, and head out with a smile.  Good morning world.

Peace,
your sister in Christ,
Erin      

Rabbit Trails

I love the little things that color the world.  Little changes, unexpected, that draw your attention for maybe just a minute or a week... Rabbit Trails we call them sometimes (at staff meetings) and I am fully distracted by them!  All these little things, from blog posts to a radio bit, a comment from someone, a new book, just add a pop of color I didn't expect for my day.  It's fun. 

I know, I'm young.  I don't really know much.  Many days I feel starved for information, yet today- it's not hard to get.  (good sources a little trickery.. )  I can study Bonheoffer online, or contemplate how cool it would be if I could get birds to eat from my hand.  Yes, I know I'm alittle scattered, but it makes sense in my head - and God gave me this crazy head, so I've decided to embrace the way I think. 

Being young and not knowing nearly enough to really have my opinions... (ha - that doesn't stop me) I consistently attempt to listen first and speak later.  Difficult for me, I know.  But I also remind people that as I learn and grow my opinions and ideas will change.  Please have patience for me... and the rest of the human race. 

I just started reading an interesting book called "Black" - by Ted Dekker.  It took a while for me to get into it, but I loved it and am onto "Red"  the next book of the series.  There are great images of a loving God and a people fully in love with their creator.  Spending the better part of each day worshiping or preparing to worship.  The immense love felt by the characters is so touching. 

It's so much easier for me just to contemplate the ideology behind universalism and debate if it is "cheap grace" or not, than for me to really let my guard down and be wholely in love with the God who created me. 

So much easier to put down a book full of, in my head, rediculous oversimplistic claims of conservative evangelist Christianity and go volunteer at a local church and feel good about my social justice - than to really studying personally (not academically) the words of my God. 

Eh?  I dont' understand myself most days... but I'm glad I read.  Blogs, books, billboards... really it all adds fun color and random thoughts to each day helping me enjoy what has been created for me. 

Peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

More crazy ancestors!

Back to the first chapter of Matthew to learn more about the crazy of stories of Jesus's ancestors.

Perez and Zerah - twins sons of Judah (4th son of Jacob) and Tamar (his daughter in law), when they were born Zerah put his hand out first but then pulled it back in and his brother came out.  Zerah is therefore the oldest... moved to Egypt with their father Judah, uncles, etc. (over 70 - people in all) to be with Joseph and lived there until they died.  Both had clans named after them (the Hezronite clan and the Perezite clan) caounted in the census as part of the clans of Judah 76,500 men the largest clan at the Plain of Moab before the Israelites entered the promised land.
Hezron - son of Perez, must have lived in Egypt, a part of the growing Israelite population soon to terrify the Egyptians.  Out of fear the Egyptians organized the Israelites into work groups to control them, a pharaoh even ordered midwives to kill boy babies during childbirth or drown them : (
Ram - ?
Amminadab - only reference I could find was as father as Nahshon
Nahshon - chosen to help Moses and Aaron register every man in the tribe of Judah for the census help in the wilderness of Sinai, a military leader as well (Numbers Chapter 1.7)  The tribe of Judah was the largest tribe at 74,600 men of the 603,550 total warriors.
Salmon and Rahab - Rahab, another woman! and referred to as a harlot..., lived in Jericho before the Israelites arrived, and when they approached the country was in an uproar.  Two scouts came to her house and she hid them with the promise that when the Israelites took over her family would not be harmed.  (Joshua 2)  After Joshua and his army took the city, Rahab and her family were the only ones spared, well them and the gold, silver, and bronze.  *personal issue - Joshua's genocide?  hmmm...  : (  The couple would have been part of the clans of Judah that settled in the area described in Joshua 15 from the great sea to the salt sea south of the tongue... etc.  must include in part or whole, Jerusalem
Boaz and Ruth - The beautiful story of Boaz and Ruth is told in the book of Ruth. During the time of the judges a family had left Israel, and the 2 sons took wives from the area they moved too.  Then the husband died.  Then the sons died.  The 3 women were left wondering what to do.  One daughter in law returned to her family, the other, Ruth refused to leave her mother in law and the two went back to Israel.  Ruth was not an Israelite by birth, but accepted it "your God is my god" she said.  In Israel she walked through the fields picking up what had been left behind for the poor and the prominent owner noticed her - Boaz.  (good guy too, he fights for her and everything)
Obed - only mentions him as a baby and as part of the lineage
Jesse - had 7 sons, lived near Bethlehem.  After King Saul lost God's favor, his family was invited to a feast with the priest Samuel (yes the little boy in the temple who heard God calling him).  God told Samuel he would point out the new king.  Jesse left his youngest son David at home with the sheep, but that's the one God wanted.
King David and Uriah's wife - David the same harp playing little boy who defeated the giant Goliath.  Became the next King of Israel.  His best friend was the last king (Saul's) son... put a damper in their friendship when Saul tried to kill him... But an interesting note that Solomon was David's son with Uriah's wife.  Well, David saw Uriah's wife (Bathsheba) bathing on the roof of her home and just had to have her, so he did.  When she became pregnant, David had her husband brought back from war but he wouldn't sleep with her because his men didn't get the privilege either.  Then David had him sent to the front lines where he died, then he took on Bathsheba as another wife.  All to cover up his sin... despite it though he was a great King and musician, he wrote many of the Psalms.  and he had at least 6 other sons (2 Samuel 3:2)... and 11 more including Solomon were born in Jersualem ( 2 Samuel 5:13)
Solomon - became the next King after David, but was not the eldest... actually his older brother held a coronation and everything, but it didn't turn out.  (1 Kings 1) he married the pharaohs daughter and was considered a very wise man.  He ruled Israel and Judah in peace and built The Temple of God in Jerusalem.
*musical reference:  Fiddler on the Roof, If I was a rich man "like Solomon the wise man"

15 (13 if you don't count the women paired with their men) more ancestors explored, 13 more before the Babylonian exile
13 to Mary and Joseph

So much wisdom in these stories that has inspired many for centuries.  Leadership, honor, friendship, commitment, true dedication to God, as well as the mistakes.  Sin.  Failure to put God first.  Greed.  Lust.  Disobedience.  Many lessons to learn we still teach our children today.

It's hard to love God and always put him first, we are often tempted.  Stories like those found connected with these people help us remember and keep God first.  Stories much more than commands perhaps?

In peace and love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Me and My head

Me.
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?

Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble.  There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am.  I love taking personality tests to see what they say.  I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think.  I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities.  But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world.  So much FEELING!!!  It drives me nuts sometimes.  It keeps me from being productive.  It pulls me down.

For example - I am an Extravert.  With a capital E.  In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0.  It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that.  But it's NOT me.  When left alone - I don't function well.  I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there.  And I have been alone so much lately.  Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy.  I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates.  I miss having roommates that are involved in my life.  I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met?  Because my needs are not getting met.  And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work.  I am just lonely.  But it effects me just as much.

And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be.  I love to learn and embrace new things.  Try new places and make new friends.  It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here.  I don't know what I can do differently.  But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry.  So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am ruled by my emotions.  I can admit it.  I work fine.  Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check.  This ... not so fine.

I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting.  Fighting to keep peace in my family.  Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world.  Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal".  Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work.  Fighting to keep my head above water personally.  Always fighting.

Some things are important.  I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting.  Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine.  Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had.  And worse... no one was here to hold me.

God never gives us more than we can handle.  But I'm sick of being a fighter.  I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break.  Coming home to myself... sucks.  For me.  I totally get that that's what some people need.  But it stresses me out!!!  Patience Erin, just give it time.  People will come into your life when they are suppose to.

Or do I need to work on how I am?  Become more open?  More tolerant?  Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition?  I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better.  But it wouldn't be the real me.  The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed.  Laughing and being crazy with my sister.  Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them.  The glowing perfectly happy me.

I just want to be me.  But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier.  Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is.  Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love."  And I loved it.  I wonder if people warn others about me like that?  I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time  - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about".  But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you.  And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too.  I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense.  Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears.  Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?

So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.

Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.

In peace,
Erin