Me.
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?
Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble. There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am. I love taking personality tests to see what they say. I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think. I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities. But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world. So much FEELING!!! It drives me nuts sometimes. It keeps me from being productive. It pulls me down.
For example - I am an Extravert. With a capital E. In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0. It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that. But it's NOT me. When left alone - I don't function well. I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there. And I have been alone so much lately. Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy. I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates. I miss having roommates that are involved in my life. I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met? Because my needs are not getting met. And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work. I am just lonely. But it effects me just as much.
And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be. I love to learn and embrace new things. Try new places and make new friends. It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here. I don't know what I can do differently. But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry. So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am ruled by my emotions. I can admit it. I work fine. Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check. This ... not so fine.
I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting. Fighting to keep peace in my family. Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world. Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal". Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work. Fighting to keep my head above water personally. Always fighting.
Some things are important. I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting. Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine. Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had. And worse... no one was here to hold me.
God never gives us more than we can handle. But I'm sick of being a fighter. I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break. Coming home to myself... sucks. For me. I totally get that that's what some people need. But it stresses me out!!! Patience Erin, just give it time. People will come into your life when they are suppose to.
Or do I need to work on how I am? Become more open? More tolerant? Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition? I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better. But it wouldn't be the real me. The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed. Laughing and being crazy with my sister. Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them. The glowing perfectly happy me.
I just want to be me. But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier. Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is. Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love." And I loved it. I wonder if people warn others about me like that? I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about". But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you. And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too. I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense. Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears. Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?
So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.
Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.
In peace,
Erin
4 comments:
I've been feeling the same way! I have no friends in Kenosha other than the bf who is being a crappy bf and a Cyndi - the mom of the family I've been helping out. So I literally am all alone. It has been very frustrating lately cuz I hate being alone, it makes me feel tired and blah and sad and bored and just lots of negative things. So, I talked to my therapist about it this week and she said that I need to find things to do so that I enjoy being with myself and the main thing is change my attitude about it. Like you I am an extreme extreme extravert so I will always perfer being with people but I am trying to change my attitude about being alone. She said, just because you are alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. So I'm working on finding things I like to do and can do alone and then trying to motivate myself to do them. I think we could do it together maybe?! Speaking of, have you gotten Unchristian yet? The intro was great but I've only read like a chapter since... so Idk if I'll get through it. OOOh, we also have our future moves to look forward too! I'm really excited about the possibility of lots of new friends in my new town.
you're alright...there are plenty of people where you are that think of you as a friend...growing up is hard and sometimes you just need to be open to what is different...because different is where you are headed...learning to be open minded and accepting people beyond your own life experiences of what constitutes normal is the key to being happier...in any situation. judge less and honestly love more...something we can all work on.
In Kahlil Gibran's poem "The Prophet" he comments that we humans are like Ships on the storming sea. Sails are our passions and the rudder our reason. If we do not have and use both we are lost adrift in the waters. It's a quick read, you should check it out
Thank you all for leaving your thoughts! I truly do appreciate it. Often I use this blog as an outlet to how I am feeling. I know I will always be fine. Somedays it is harder to sing but it is well with my soul. I do appreciate that here I can just be honest. While I know I have friends where I am, my needs were not being met. Personally I feel like I always try to be open to accepting people, however that does not mean joining anything they are doing if I do not want to do it. I am very comfortable with who I am and how I express myself, and I try as hard as I can to let everyone I know feel that I love them.
In peace and love,
Erin
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