Life is a series of experiences, and part of what I love about it all is that depending on where you're at you see and learn different things from them. There are many days were I love walking my path, but there is still a lot of uncertainty of what and how. I suppose there always will be.
There will always be days where I flip out. There will always be days when I break down. Worrying is one of the things I do best. I always worry about those I care about. In my own way.
I wonder about who I am in how I do things. I guess I will always do things however they are the most comfortable for me - don't we all? Yet I do always try to consider how everything I do will effect others. I laugh at how many times I've been scolded and told to take care of myself and stop thinking about others. It's how I connect and care for people - yet sometimes I feel like it all happens in my head.
We are all born with preferences and needs. And it's easier to be with those who are like us. Yet at the same time the world holds so much. Other ways to live, other preferences... can challenge your own and compliment your own. One school of thought is to know yourself, be strong, and go out into the world with a purpose. Another school of thought is to constantly seek out new opportunities and new experiences, being in a state of constant flux and change and growth. Oh how to find a balance!
I get to own my own feelings. I get to say them however I feel. Yet sometimes I feel them and then I get over them. Other times they keep sneaking up on me over and over. I still get to own them.
I know that I'll be okay on my path, but I've been fighting parts of it for a long time. I feel like I want to explain why to myself, yet it is difficult without making excuses. It just seems to me that seminary while it seems so right, so what I've been looking for - it is also giving up all control.
Judge less... sigh. Love more...
Ouch.
I don't know how to be me here most of the time. When I'm working, with kids or clients, then I feel great - like myself. But other times I feel hurt. I feel like I'd felt at home growing up with my parents. Not accepted, not encouraged, just put up with. My reactions aren't judgement - or at least not meant to be, but perception is everything. All I ever wanted was to be accepted and fit in. sigh... I guess we all failed each other.
Always learning about myself and how to better love others.
Trying so hard,
~Erin
3 comments:
I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings... It's scary because I feel like those are my thoughts and you've somehow gotten in my head. Crazy, I know. But for the first time in a long time I want to start writing again. I've kept journals since 6th grade and the last couple of years I've felt "stuck" not sure where or what I was doing or thinking. Reading your blogs has been very helpful... I'm 28 and I wish I had your wisdom and insight at the young age of 23. :) I hope to keep in touch. Have a great day.
I have been loosely following your blog for the past few months and have some thoughs I'd like to share. I too am a Christian and know the immense draw to look over and dissect every thought and feeling we have and how it fits into a larger plan. Although I do agree that looking at our internal compass and where it is pointing us is important, to look at every minute sway of the needle not only is taxing on us as individuals - I actually find it counter productive. We can get so wrapped up in those little things that we forget the larger navigational plan.
I also find it interesting that you place being a strong person with a purpose in contradiction to seeking out new opportunities and experiences. In my personal experience, the people with the strongest senses of self are the same ones who are seeking those new opportunities and experiences. It's like that Gibran quote from earlier - if we are ships, we are always the same ship. We just need to find out what kind of ship we are and use those new experiences to fine tune our direction.
Thank you both so much for your thoughts! They are encouraging and sweet. I would love to continue my blog on a regular basis, however I feel like when I get busy I only blog when something is bothering me. So sometimes the things I say come out of those emotions, not always a thought out place.
I hear what you are saying about over analyzing... and I very much agree that it can be taxing and counter productive. I also feel that it is a huge part of who I am, to be an analyzer and I have tried to stop but often can not. The blog hears most of it, I am not that crazy all of the time... I hope.
To clarify the thought on life philosophy. I feel that a strong person has a strong sense of self and yes will seek new experiences and decided how that fits into who they are. I feel that others do not necessarily know what they want or who they are and just allow life to happen to them and push them back and forth. Using the boat reference, the second would seem to be a person who has not yet discovered that their boat has a rudder and a sail and that they do have power over the direction they are going.
Thanks again for the comments, keep them coming!
In peace and love,
your sister in Christ, Erin
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