Just words today

I have no intended message here.  Not sure why I feel the need to write today...?  For me?  For you? Whomever you are.  Life is so full of everything right now, I am not keeping up well.  That plate idea - not only do I have a side salad and a full dinner plate, but some soup, dessert, and at least 3 glasses of something.  People in different spheres ask me if there is too much, but to an extent, I like it this way.

I love the work I am doing.  The hugs I get from the children, the stories from parents, and the appreciation from others that my ideas and energy are motivating and helpful - that's what gets me through chapters and chapters of reading.

I love the babysitting I get to do.  Each one of the children I get to cart around with me are a joy (albeit - not always) and getting to know them, share in their stories, and just laugh and play keeps me sane.

I love my friends.  There are a great number of people in my life right now who are honest, authentic, and challenging.  We all have needs.  I can't fill them all.  But it makes my soul sing to be present with others in their lives.  I learn so much.  It's not always sunshine and roses, but I try hard to look through the storms to see the beauty of a raindrop, or feel the comforting embrace of the wind.  I am truly an annoying eternal optimist.  I only wish I could be with them more, offer more of myself and my resources, yet life and responsibility calls.  There are so many in whom I have already lost touch with.  It scares me how fast people walk in and out of my life.  All I can do somedays is live in the moment with whom is here, and continue to add the others to that never ending prayer list.

Interpersonal.  It's my best learning style.  Just be with me.  Talk to me.  Teach me.

I could get on the "people don't understand me" train.  To be honest, I think that it's partly true.  Many have told me (for years) I am the most extraverted person they have ever met.  Some friends roll their eyes at my habits of knowing a servers name at a restaurant  or honestly answering the question "how are you today?".  I know I'm a handful in a travel size package, and I know that I talk to much.  So what?

I intentionally decide to interact with the world around me and see the good.  Most days it keeps me happy.  Other days I color.  Or sing.  But it's hard when life beats on you, or someone you care about.  There are times where you are trying so hard, and it just flies back in your face.  Then I cry.  And I sing, or play piano.  And I pray.  And finally, I get the crayons back out, and color some more.

I have a million things going on right now, with work, school, and people in my life - but I love them all and am grateful.  My masochistic self even offers to do more.  Sleep is over-rated anyway.  Realistically though - I am young and single and live in Chicagoland.  I don't know what my life holds, but I hope someday I won't be single or childless.  Then opportunities will change.  For today - I shall put on my cute and cuddly winter things, and head out with a smile.  Good morning world.

Peace,
your sister in Christ,
Erin      

Rabbit Trails

I love the little things that color the world.  Little changes, unexpected, that draw your attention for maybe just a minute or a week... Rabbit Trails we call them sometimes (at staff meetings) and I am fully distracted by them!  All these little things, from blog posts to a radio bit, a comment from someone, a new book, just add a pop of color I didn't expect for my day.  It's fun. 

I know, I'm young.  I don't really know much.  Many days I feel starved for information, yet today- it's not hard to get.  (good sources a little trickery.. )  I can study Bonheoffer online, or contemplate how cool it would be if I could get birds to eat from my hand.  Yes, I know I'm alittle scattered, but it makes sense in my head - and God gave me this crazy head, so I've decided to embrace the way I think. 

Being young and not knowing nearly enough to really have my opinions... (ha - that doesn't stop me) I consistently attempt to listen first and speak later.  Difficult for me, I know.  But I also remind people that as I learn and grow my opinions and ideas will change.  Please have patience for me... and the rest of the human race. 

I just started reading an interesting book called "Black" - by Ted Dekker.  It took a while for me to get into it, but I loved it and am onto "Red"  the next book of the series.  There are great images of a loving God and a people fully in love with their creator.  Spending the better part of each day worshiping or preparing to worship.  The immense love felt by the characters is so touching. 

It's so much easier for me just to contemplate the ideology behind universalism and debate if it is "cheap grace" or not, than for me to really let my guard down and be wholely in love with the God who created me. 

So much easier to put down a book full of, in my head, rediculous oversimplistic claims of conservative evangelist Christianity and go volunteer at a local church and feel good about my social justice - than to really studying personally (not academically) the words of my God. 

Eh?  I dont' understand myself most days... but I'm glad I read.  Blogs, books, billboards... really it all adds fun color and random thoughts to each day helping me enjoy what has been created for me. 

Peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Overwhelmed to the point of apathy?

So many thoughts in my head.  Sometimes it is easy to write on a topic I am passionate about - I like to ramble.  But lately the words have just not been there.  My life was full of waiting, reading, caring for others, and learning to be patient and trust God to open doors for me. 

Today I am overwhelmed with thought.  (The internet will do that to you.)  I had a chance today to check out what I have been missing on some of my favorite blogs.  Oye vey.  All kinds of things to think about, no easy answers, some things I have strong opinions on - yet all too often I just don't know. 

Topics range from how to engage the church in meaningful relationships (marketing won't do it for you), living up to your principles, protesting for the rights(?) of Wisconsin public employees, the role of educators in parenting (due to lack of?), appropriateness in the media for young people... so many topics... so many thoughts.. no clear answers. 

So what?  One of my biggest pet peeves - apathy.  So there are all kinds of things going on in this world that are interesting or that in some ways I care about, but I am not going to add my voice.  AHH!!  Why not??  Too busy?  It's just not that important?  It's our world people - care!  Please... care. 

Yet I find myself in the same trap today.  So many interesting topics, topics I normally care about toay I am overwhelmed by.  I could just go back to the simple and easy aspect of my work - meanial tasks that have to get done, so I might as well do them.  Or contemplate how to ... well... how to share the message of Jesus with those who visit the camps I have the opportunity to serve.  Oye vey. 

As an oral communicator my favorite way to contemplate these things is intentional dialouge.  Face to face communication shows respect to one another - your ideas and your time matter to me.  That's what a good conversation says (to me.)  Yet, we are very entangled in the tasks.  And I'm not sure yet where my place is to ask or attempt to answer these questions.  They are important to me - how do we share the gospel?  How do we live out our faith here as disciples of Christ?  How do I live out my faith through the United Methodist Church?  How do I help lead others to do the same?  On my own?  Oye vey. 

I know that we are all blest with different spiritual gifts.  One way these present themselves is through personalities (a topic I very much enjoy!).  I know that I'm a dreamer, a very "green" person who likes to contemplate the big picture and what could be.  I'm not very task oriented.  My to-do lists are everywhere and more often ambigious than check lists, yet they are my attempt to organize and work on details.  But when we are so overwhelmed by our own individual lists/tasks/dreams - how do we fit together? 

Today, do I care?  Sigh.  I don't know. 

I ran across one shining white light in my blog reading today - one of my favorite concepts.  Namaste.  Ah... "The divinity in me percieves and adores the divinity in you." (is my favorite interpretation)  Even if I don't know you, even if I don't get what I want from you, even if I love you - it is because the Holy Spirit in me (striving to purify me and make me more holy) recognizes the Holy Spirit within you and I will treat you as such.  Someone wonderfully and beautifully made in the image of God. 

At least that's one area I can focus on for the day.  Amen. 

Learning the little things

I often get caught contemplating the big questions in life.  What is my calling?  How can I help world poverty and hunger?  How do you put into practice the teachings of God?  Is God really just?  I mean there are a lot of stories in the bible....

But today I was watching two little boys of a friend of mine and we went to the park.  The older one, 4, found an acorn and remembered that earlier I had said that squirrels eat acorns and he said - "For the squirrels?"  The rest of the time he went looking for acorns and digging in the sand.

I was so proud that he made the connection and that today he learned about squirrels and acorns.  It was a big deal in his world and therefore, also in mine.

I struggle with parents who say, I want to let my child decide what to believe when they get old enough.  Well... if we really believe in God and God's love as our salvation - they we should care.  Kids are amazing and they learn so much in a day.  I hope that I can help share my love for God and his love for them to this family as we get to know each other better.

I also struggle with the verse - Only those who come like little children will enter the kingdom of heaven.  Little children don't simply believe what you say, they are inquisitive and get into everything and all over the place - (mentally and literally!)  It makes me have hope that when I have all these big questions, I am like a child trying to understand something much bigger than me.

God Bless you on your struggles and adventures.
Peace
your sister in Christ~Erin

Me and My head

Me.
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?

Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble.  There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am.  I love taking personality tests to see what they say.  I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think.  I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities.  But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world.  So much FEELING!!!  It drives me nuts sometimes.  It keeps me from being productive.  It pulls me down.

For example - I am an Extravert.  With a capital E.  In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0.  It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that.  But it's NOT me.  When left alone - I don't function well.  I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there.  And I have been alone so much lately.  Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy.  I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates.  I miss having roommates that are involved in my life.  I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met?  Because my needs are not getting met.  And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work.  I am just lonely.  But it effects me just as much.

And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be.  I love to learn and embrace new things.  Try new places and make new friends.  It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here.  I don't know what I can do differently.  But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry.  So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am ruled by my emotions.  I can admit it.  I work fine.  Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check.  This ... not so fine.

I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting.  Fighting to keep peace in my family.  Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world.  Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal".  Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work.  Fighting to keep my head above water personally.  Always fighting.

Some things are important.  I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting.  Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine.  Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had.  And worse... no one was here to hold me.

God never gives us more than we can handle.  But I'm sick of being a fighter.  I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break.  Coming home to myself... sucks.  For me.  I totally get that that's what some people need.  But it stresses me out!!!  Patience Erin, just give it time.  People will come into your life when they are suppose to.

Or do I need to work on how I am?  Become more open?  More tolerant?  Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition?  I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better.  But it wouldn't be the real me.  The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed.  Laughing and being crazy with my sister.  Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them.  The glowing perfectly happy me.

I just want to be me.  But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier.  Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is.  Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love."  And I loved it.  I wonder if people warn others about me like that?  I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time  - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about".  But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you.  And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too.  I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense.  Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears.  Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?

So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.

Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.

In peace,
Erin