Songs of Christmas Past

Hello friends!  Christmas consumes all life!

I do very much miss easy internet access.  Sigh.  But there are other wonderful things in life.  Like Christmas!

So my pastor, knowing how much I love worship, asked me to put together the service for Sunday seeing that she is doing everything for all the Christmas eve services.  YES!  I miss putting services together...

So we are doing a history of christmas carols thing, and I think it will be awesome!  I got a bunch of instrumentalists (go instrumentalists!!!) to play the carols while someone is going to read a short paragraph I put together and then we all sing the first verse.  6 carols, lots of fun.

I just love Christmas, but interestingly enough I recently learned some people really do not.  I love the lights, the smells, the smiles, the decorations, and the SOUNDS!  So happy, filled with love.  But is it over commercialized and not really about Christ's birth?  Well... this is going to sound bad - but who cares?

I take the side of the sergeant in Guy's and Dolls when she finds out the reason all the gamblers are at the prayer meeting is that they lost a bet.  Isn't it wonderful that God can use anything to bring people the message of salvation?  We don't control when people are ready to hear the word - like the parable of the sower, we can't help it if people aren't ready to grow.  But I am grateful that this beautiful and wonderful season gives people the opportunity to (I know it doesn't happen in every household) hear the story of God coming to earth.  What they think of it I can't say.

All I know is that this time of year, more than any other, people are kinder to one another and I'm grateful.  Yes, I would love for that to continue throughout the year, but I'll take what I can get and keep on loving people.  I can only control myself and through the grace of God I will do my best.

I pray that you and your loved ones have a very happy and warm Christmas.  God Bless!

Your sister in Christ~Erin

So this is what I've gathered from 2 Kings...

Jehoram ruled for 8 years - did evil in the eyes of the Lord, son Ahaziah
Ahaziah ruled for 1 year and was killed by Jehu, son Joash (was hidden when Jehu killed Ahaziah's family)
Joash started ruling when he was 7, ruled for 40 years, son Amaziah
Amaziah ruled for 25 years, son Azariah
Azariah (or Uzziah- called both) ruled for 54 years, Jotham 
Jotham - good king, ruled

**here is where I get confused, in Matthew it goes straight from Jehoram to Uzziah - but there are 3 generations in between!

Ahaz - ruled for 16 years, did evil in the eyes of the Lord, believed in human sacrifice - even sacrificed his son! son Hezekiah
Hezekiah - really great king!  Successful at everything he did (lots of battles), son Manasseh
Manasseh - ruled for 55 years, did evil in the eyes of the Lord, son Amon
Amon  - ruled for 2 years, did evil in the eyes of the Lord, was assassinated by his officials, son Josiah
Josiah - was 8 when he became King, ruled for 31 years, good king, renewed covenant with the Lord!

There is lots of history here, years of stories, not just battles and changing of political lines, but they aren't written in the bible.  At the summary of each king it states - aren't all the deeds, good and bad, done by this king written in the history books?

What stories of honor and inspiration have we lost?  They were important enough for Matthew to list, our history is important.  That's why we have tradition, to remember the past.  The good and the bad, to learn and to be inspired along our path.

Role models, saints, hero's... we all have them.  Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Dietrich Bonhoeffer... all people I admire and have learned from.  Who are some important people for you?

In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Extra, extra, read all about it! Politics and Punishment!

More history...


Rhoboam - was suppose to become King after his father Solomon, however when the working class came to him and asked for less work he refused and said he would make them work harder!  (bad politics) and they overthrew him.  it is said then that all of Isreal will reject the house of David... (forshadowing!)  
But because Jeroboam (the leader) who became King strayed from God and built temples for other God's and the like, God killed his son and made Rhoboam king again.  
***This is when Israel splits in 2, the northern half Israel and the southern half Judah.  Jeroboam continues to be the King, but of Israel while Rhoboam is the King of Judah, and he reigned for 17 years. (but was always at war with Jeroboam) 
Abijad - Ruled Judah after his father, did the same sins as his father, only reigned for 3 years, lots of war with Jerobaom.  : ( 
Asa - took over after his fathers short rule.  Ruled a long time!  Worshiped God and didn't put up with pagan worshipers (even outted his grandmother!)  Hurrah a good king!  During his reign there was war with Israel.  
Jehoshaphat -  good King, followed God, was a peace with Israel! reigned for a good 20 some years 
Jehoram - he married a girl from the royal house of Israel (who weren't following God laws well) only reigned for 8 years and didn't follow God (did evil in the eyes of the Lord) 
Azziah (Uzziah? Ahaziah?)same? - (says the book of Kings... ) ruled after his father, but again did evil in the eyes of the Lord.  Got along with Ahab King of Israel (they were family), but God spoke to a man named Jehu and he killed both the kings and their entire families!  
After some rocky years with Jehu leading, Ahaziah sister got away and hid her son Joash- who began his reign at age 7.  Both Israel and Judah (I think... 2 Kings 12) - But in the 27 year of his reign Jehu's son became King of Isreal.  


So lots of bad kings, corrupt officials I guess, doing what they please instead of God.  Which in turn lead to the splitting of the country into Israel and Judah and everyone kinda getting looser on their morals.  God spoke through Elijah and Elisha at this time, but the kings didn't really care.  


Thoughts and questions to take away:  fascinating stories by humans that are relevant today, how were they relevant to Jesus?  Why are their names remembered and listed in the first chapter of the gospel?  What can we learn from them?  


More soon!  


God Bless, 
stay warm!!  
~your sister in Christ, Erin

More crazy ancestors!

Back to the first chapter of Matthew to learn more about the crazy of stories of Jesus's ancestors.

Perez and Zerah - twins sons of Judah (4th son of Jacob) and Tamar (his daughter in law), when they were born Zerah put his hand out first but then pulled it back in and his brother came out.  Zerah is therefore the oldest... moved to Egypt with their father Judah, uncles, etc. (over 70 - people in all) to be with Joseph and lived there until they died.  Both had clans named after them (the Hezronite clan and the Perezite clan) caounted in the census as part of the clans of Judah 76,500 men the largest clan at the Plain of Moab before the Israelites entered the promised land.
Hezron - son of Perez, must have lived in Egypt, a part of the growing Israelite population soon to terrify the Egyptians.  Out of fear the Egyptians organized the Israelites into work groups to control them, a pharaoh even ordered midwives to kill boy babies during childbirth or drown them : (
Ram - ?
Amminadab - only reference I could find was as father as Nahshon
Nahshon - chosen to help Moses and Aaron register every man in the tribe of Judah for the census help in the wilderness of Sinai, a military leader as well (Numbers Chapter 1.7)  The tribe of Judah was the largest tribe at 74,600 men of the 603,550 total warriors.
Salmon and Rahab - Rahab, another woman! and referred to as a harlot..., lived in Jericho before the Israelites arrived, and when they approached the country was in an uproar.  Two scouts came to her house and she hid them with the promise that when the Israelites took over her family would not be harmed.  (Joshua 2)  After Joshua and his army took the city, Rahab and her family were the only ones spared, well them and the gold, silver, and bronze.  *personal issue - Joshua's genocide?  hmmm...  : (  The couple would have been part of the clans of Judah that settled in the area described in Joshua 15 from the great sea to the salt sea south of the tongue... etc.  must include in part or whole, Jerusalem
Boaz and Ruth - The beautiful story of Boaz and Ruth is told in the book of Ruth. During the time of the judges a family had left Israel, and the 2 sons took wives from the area they moved too.  Then the husband died.  Then the sons died.  The 3 women were left wondering what to do.  One daughter in law returned to her family, the other, Ruth refused to leave her mother in law and the two went back to Israel.  Ruth was not an Israelite by birth, but accepted it "your God is my god" she said.  In Israel she walked through the fields picking up what had been left behind for the poor and the prominent owner noticed her - Boaz.  (good guy too, he fights for her and everything)
Obed - only mentions him as a baby and as part of the lineage
Jesse - had 7 sons, lived near Bethlehem.  After King Saul lost God's favor, his family was invited to a feast with the priest Samuel (yes the little boy in the temple who heard God calling him).  God told Samuel he would point out the new king.  Jesse left his youngest son David at home with the sheep, but that's the one God wanted.
King David and Uriah's wife - David the same harp playing little boy who defeated the giant Goliath.  Became the next King of Israel.  His best friend was the last king (Saul's) son... put a damper in their friendship when Saul tried to kill him... But an interesting note that Solomon was David's son with Uriah's wife.  Well, David saw Uriah's wife (Bathsheba) bathing on the roof of her home and just had to have her, so he did.  When she became pregnant, David had her husband brought back from war but he wouldn't sleep with her because his men didn't get the privilege either.  Then David had him sent to the front lines where he died, then he took on Bathsheba as another wife.  All to cover up his sin... despite it though he was a great King and musician, he wrote many of the Psalms.  and he had at least 6 other sons (2 Samuel 3:2)... and 11 more including Solomon were born in Jersualem ( 2 Samuel 5:13)
Solomon - became the next King after David, but was not the eldest... actually his older brother held a coronation and everything, but it didn't turn out.  (1 Kings 1) he married the pharaohs daughter and was considered a very wise man.  He ruled Israel and Judah in peace and built The Temple of God in Jerusalem.
*musical reference:  Fiddler on the Roof, If I was a rich man "like Solomon the wise man"

15 (13 if you don't count the women paired with their men) more ancestors explored, 13 more before the Babylonian exile
13 to Mary and Joseph

So much wisdom in these stories that has inspired many for centuries.  Leadership, honor, friendship, commitment, true dedication to God, as well as the mistakes.  Sin.  Failure to put God first.  Greed.  Lust.  Disobedience.  Many lessons to learn we still teach our children today.

It's hard to love God and always put him first, we are often tempted.  Stories like those found connected with these people help us remember and keep God first.  Stories much more than commands perhaps?

In peace and love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Wisdom

 “It’s gotta be more like falling in love, than something to believe in

More like, losing my heart, than pledging my allegiance”

“Cause all religion ever made of me was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet”

These words are from a popular Christian song by Jason Grey that I have struggled with a bit.  Simply because a song is sung by a Christian artist doesn’t make it true or theologically sound… personally religion has given me some of my greatest role models and hero’s as well as an enormous amount of encouragement and traditions to help me understand my walk. 

God, the creator of the universe, made the human race, to quote Desmond Tutu “The Rainbow People of God”.  Not simply are we different by our physical looks, but through and through.  I have written before on personalities and ways to label them which gives people the tools to understand what makes them who they are. 

For example, my spirituality type is a “prophet” described as someone who has a passion for people and loves to teach.  Other spiritual types are “sage”, “lover”, and “mystic” each with their own interests, passions, and gifts.  Other ways to describe our personalities can be learned from the “True Colors” test, “Learning Styles”, and found in the bible even- “Spiritual Gifts”.  We are truly a rainbow people of God with an array of gifts, talents, interests, passions, and views. 

These differences mean when listening to a story, we can all hear the same words and take away different lessons and meanings.  Our knowledge also plays a huge role as well.  Paul says to the Corinthians “Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready.”  (1 Corinthians 3:1-3). 

In the words of Jesus there are many messages.  There are some for those who are still young in their faith, basic Christian values and ideas.  There are other lessons though for those who have more knowledge (not necessarily more faith) and are more mature in their faith. 

I hope to explore more about who Christ was and is through taking a closer look at his wisdom through his teachings in stories, parables, and sermons. 

Jesus’s heritage:  Matthew Chapter 1

The wisdom of our ancestors.  There are stories here, so many stories.  Typically when given a lineage the male members of the family are mentioned, not the female.  Yet here, Matthew mentions several women, some by name, other’s by association.  These stories are important and Jesus will grow up learning about many of them. 

Abraham – a common man born Abram, but with his faith in God became Abraham the father of Israel. 

Issac – the son we remember from Abraham, however his half brother creates an interesting story.

Jacob – the father of 12 sons, and 1 daughter.  Soon to become the 12 tribes of Israel.  And father of Joseph, soon to become a  Broadway Musical inspiration! 

Judah – the oldest of Jacob’s sons, he had3 sons with his wife Shua, Tamar is his oldest son Er’s wife.  When Er died tradition dictates that the next sons marries that wife and gives her children, but he didn’t (on purpose) and so Tamar waited until the youngest son grew up, but was burned there as well.  So she tricked Judah and had twins from him, she and her two sons are mentioned here.  Quite the story!  (Genesis 38)    

The list and stories associated goes on.  When first read it can be a boring list of names that don’t mean much.  There is a little name dropping – Abraham and King David are some pretty important guys.  That would be like saying my great great great great grandfather was the King of England.  Through association it makes you cool. 

But as we mature and LEARN, we see that these names and their stories have meaning.  We often think that Jesus was just an infant born to a poor couple of little consequence – but with this lineage – it is not so, and his family would want him to know that. 

We are all children of God.  We can all look back to Abraham and his descendents and the Jewish people of Matthew’s audience definitely did.  Many of us today have knowledge of our families roots, yet many do not.  But there is much to learn about the wisdom Jesus was born into through this list of ancestors. 

Always,

Your sister in Christ~Erin

Habits

Habits... sometimes I wonder if it's the Achilles heel of many of us.  I unfortunately am not one of those personality types that is all that good at habits.  This fall with more flex time I had hoped to get some more habits into my schedule, yet... November and still not there as I would like them to be.

Helping a friend with youth group this week the theme was creating habits.  Many of the youth had asked questions about how to read their bible or where to start and other things that really have no specific answer so his response was pick something and create a habit with it.  It doesn't matter so much what you do, but that you do it and regularly.

For a while about a year ago I blogged almost once daily.  It was a great habit.  I felt closer to God and I was learning alot.  Lately I have been struggling to blog once a week - mostly because of internet access, but excuses excuses.  The busier I am I find the better I have habits - they tend to to along with the schedule.

An acronym he found to help the kids went like this:
H - hang time with God
A - accountability with another
B- Bible reading
I - involvement in church
T- tithing
S- Study scripture

All good places to start.  But like anything I think it is better to start with a little bit, a combo that fits you and try to commit to it.  I love devotional books that combine looking up the passage in your own bible and then comment on it.  Works well for me.  Praying with meals is another habit that is great to have.  So many good things it's easy to get overwhelmed and like a popular song out right now religion can become "a stone tied to my feet".

Obedience is important to God.  Too often we make God what WE want God to be... it's easier.  How do we get to know God?  Read the bible.  Daily.  It's hard.  But we sit and watch TV or movies for at least an hour a day, can't we give God a few minutes?

One thing I learned while reading Eat, Pray, Love is that you don't always love a habit when you try to start it, but after a while it can really become wonderful.  The author didn't like the mandatory early morning group meditation and got nothing from it.  But towards the end of her stay in the Indian monastery after taking to another she slowly grew to love the meditation and it became an important habit in her life.

I'm not saying we should all meditate (though I think we could all benifit) but some habits we don't pick up because we like them right away, but because they are good for us.  Later with an open mind we may discover something we never saw in them.

What are your habits?  What helps you keep them?

For me - an accountability partner is vital.

Wishing you the best in your struggles and your blessings.

Your sister in Christ~Erin

Oh Books... how I love you!!!! (dreamy sigh....)

I LOVE to read.  Just in case you didn't know.  LOVE IT!

It's a retreat into another world - wonderful, colorful, and full of all kinds of emotion and adventure.  I just finished reading Eragon, Eldest, and Brigsinger only to find out that their is a fourth book that concludes the story but isn't out yet!!!

I just started The Time Traveler's Wife.  Oh my goodness... (happy sigh...)  fabulous.

I was having a conversation with my grandmother (- who is also a reader) about what it is we love about books.  I love the characters - how you can relate, or not, but exploring who they are as a person and why they choose to do what they do with the situations presented to them.  Grandma loves the plot.  Very different from the characters, the story itself not necessarily who is caught up in it.  Finding that out is wonderful insight to my grandmother and what makes us different.  =)

I love people.  Young people - old people.  People in general.  Thank you God for giving me a love of your people.  I think it's where most of my patience comes from.  At the heart of the matter I do believe people are good, even though many times their actions are bad.  Due to circumstances unknown people make a lot of choices that don't make sense or get frustrated, but when you get to know someone you learn all the wonderful things about them.  Their likes and dislikes, how to encourage them or how to make them angry.  The little things - it's what I love about people and in connection - reading about people.

Often quoted from the bible is the saying "We were created in God's image".  People I get.  God?  Not so easy.  I can't just go over to God's place and hang out, learn the things that make God happy, the way God likes a sandwich or just watch the general day to day life of what makes God - well, God.  I want to know more - and all my questions point me to the bible.  But it's not the same.  It's like reading the diary of your best friend and wanting them to be there telling you about it instead.

Yet I was wonderfully warmed by the beginning of The Time Traveler's Wife.  In a way, I felt like it related to my relationship with God.  Sometimes I feel God's presence.  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I feel like I know God is with me and where we are going and other times I am alone and lost.  And often it happens abruptly.  I pray for the strength to keep seeking God.  To read and learn more.  To continue to deepen that relationship.

I love to refer to God as "the lover of my soul".  Most day's I can't imagine how anyone who has really seen my soul and who I am can love me, yet I am loved.  Loved and accepted and encouraged.  I also know love isn't just a feeling, it's a choice.  Many times when I am reading stories of what God has done I don't love God - I hate God.  Sodom and Gomorra?  Even the battle of Jericho?  What about the people who lived in that city?  What about the babies of Bethlehem?  It's complicated I know - sometimes it's about human free will... but sometimes it seems like it's about punishment and vengeance.  I have this love for people - all people, not just Christians, not just "nice" people - but all people.  I think if you get to know someone you can find redeeming qualities and pain that causes things that you don't like.  But we are called to love our neighbors.  Everyone.

Faith, Hope, and Love.  I've seen that if I share love, I can give hope, and eventually help teach faith.  But in that order.  Love someone first.  Not just the people who love you.  Love all of God's children.  and love God - even when it isn't easy.

That doesn't mean not to ask questions.  Niether does it mean in this relationship I will always understand or get my way.  But if God can love me with my flaws, I won't give up on loving God and trying to learn more and continue to seek.

In peace and love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

There is a time... WHEN?

I pride myself in being a very patient person.  Especially when working with others... co-workers, supervisors... children...  I can wait.  Yet I am not patient with myself or God.

Well... I think I could be patient if I knew what was coming.  It's not that hard to be patient and wait for a child who doesn't want to eat their dinner, but I know that I'm going to win this battle.  The broccoli will be eaten and life will go on - even if it takes a half an hour or more.

I pray that God has the same patience with me!  I know that seminary is a part of my path.  I know it's up ahead - but WHEN?  When is the time for this learning process?  Do I, or should I, do it all at one time?  What if I go to school part time?  Is that alright?

I know two things.  1- I have to go to school and get my Master's in Divinity and work towards being ordained as a deacon.  2 - I need to start/continue on my career path in camping.

Now - I believe that one day I can combine these two things into a beautiful plan.  I want to do ministry, serve the world (children, families, young people, widows, orphans, etc.) through a camp.  But when Lord?  WHEN?

Today's devotional for me was from Matthew.  In two words:  Don't worry.  Sigh.  Don't worry about the future, don't worry about food, don't worry about where things will come from.  Have faith and continue to seek God.

Seek God.

Okay.  Big breath.  Seek God.  (pray for me?)
Hey- I know you all get impatient too.  I pray for you, whatever your life stage is right now to also seek God first.

In peace,
 your sister in Christ~Erin

Matthew 6:25-34  Do Not Worry

 ²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]? ²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stories

Isn’t it fascinating how important stories are to us?  Be it a family story handed down over generations or a tale from a friend about their weekend stories are integral to who we are.  Jesus used stories to help us learn and reach more people – parables. 

I love to get caught up in stories.  And a good story can be told and retold – or watched and re-watched!  Tonight I find myself snuggling up under my favorite green wool blanket and memory quilt watching – Ever After.  It has been one of my favorite movies for years, one that guarantees to calm and comfort my soul. 

Calming is what I require tonight – but not for anything bad – I got caught up in another story and want to focus on something else.  I just finished the second book of the Inheritance series – Eldest.  (The book following Eragon).  Ah.  AH.  AHHHHH!!!

The story hasn’t ended and I’m just dying to know what happens next.  I must have read at least 300 pages today.  I just love the struggles, the psychology, and the philosophy entwined throughout the story.  To summarize 2 large (several hundred pages each) books: 

Eragon, a country boy whose life has always been full of hunting and harvesting, finds a unique rock one day on a hunting trip in the mountains.  Several days later the “egg” hatches into a dragon and Eragon is swept up in a momentous, unbelievable, and heroic tale.  Through hardships, vengeance, mentors,  new lessons, and the struggles of coming of age Eragon and his dragon become involved in many adventures which continue to unravel surprises about his past and the Empire.   The 3 races of humans, Elves, and Dwarfs depend on this dragon and her Rider, and good and evil is never as black and white as it may seem. 

The books, as any good fiction, deal with many things we face in life:  injustice and anger, vengeance, honor, limitations, failures, family, good and evil, philosophy, strength, love, friendship, loyalty, and betrayal to name a few.  All wrapped up in a delightful story that makes me laugh, cry, and shriek with surprise. 

Book 2 ends with an understanding of the title and a whole load of new information at once – I am going crazy! 

Through there are some really important themes in the book.  If you want to achieve greatness, then you must take the time to learn from someone with great wisdom, skill, and knowledge.  I want to do great things – but I’m not sure how yet.  I dream of founding a non-profit organization based on helping connect people who have with people who have not to create real relationships.  To do so I have answered God’s calling on my life and am off to seminary.  Yet I struggle with the idea of spending more time not realizing my dreams and calling.  But the importance of learning is bigger.  I can’t do much with limited knowledge.  I only hope that I may work on both school and this organization at the same time. 

However I do love the way the author presents situations in which right and wrong are challenged, and often changed.  To have an open mind in a very difficult task, yet still one of the greatest gifts and child can receive.  We deal with this is life.  How to face an employer honestly, communication or dealing with miscommunication with others, taking care of oneself, etc.  These are also things I teach at camp.  Subjects I love and yet struggle with all at the same time.  

The biggest connection I made with the book is the main characters time in "training".  Taking time out for learning is a large part of many cultures.  That is the next step in my life and I pray that God grants me with an open mind and wisdom as I study his word and how to serve the world through him.  

Proverbs 4

Wisdom Is Supreme

 ¹ Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
       pay attention and gain understanding. ² I give you sound learning,
       so do not forsake my teaching.
 ³ When I was a boy in my father's house,
       still tender, and an only child of my mother,
 ⁴ he taught me and said,
       "Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
       keep my commands and you will live.
 ⁵ Get wisdom, get understanding;
       do not forget my words or swerve from them.
 ⁶ Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
       love her, and she will watch over you.
 ⁷ Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
       Though it cost all you have, ^[a] get understanding.
 ⁸ Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
       embrace her, and she will honor you.
 ⁹ She will set a garland of grace on your head
       and present you with a crown of splendor."
 ¹⁰ Listen, my son, accept what I say,
       and the years of your life will be many.


In peace, 
your sister in Christ~Erin

Imagine a world...

Many people tell me I really only about 8 - or act like it many days.  I love to play pretend and color!  Even at work my favorite phrase starts with "Can we... "  I love to rearrange the furniture and change things up to keep it new and fresh.  Color, music, movement, and nothing for too long.  Imagination is a huge part of me.

Yet I am not always stuck in my 8 year old world.  None of us are.  Something makes all of us mature and grow up.  Sometimes we want it... sometimes we don't.  People say the world ages us.  We have all seen pictures of children who seem much older and wiser than their years.  It's the tough situations in life like poverty, hunger, violence, fear, anger, and injustice that age us.

Yet there are many of us who haven't experienced that side of life.  Imagine the college frat boy whose parents pay for college and spends more time partying than studying.  Now imagine the college boy who's father walked out on his pregnant mother before he was born who is working 4 jobs to support himself and his family as he goes through college.  Who is "older"?  Now imagine a 20 something old boy who is in a refugee camp trying to protect his family and get as much education as possible while being displaced and fighting for his daily needs.  Who is "older"?

It's often hard for me to connect to the stories and parables of Jesus.  I wonder what kind of a world he lived in.  Obviously not a world where he grew up going to public school and had his own personal computer to blog his thoughts out to the world and keep up with his friends on facebook.  The stories he tells relates to his life and the lives of the people similar to him.  The broad concepts relate to my life - struggling with money, struggling with sin, not wanting to love my neighbor.  And these are the ways the church and our church leaders teach us today.  Yet their are significant differences.

Social Justice is a concept many "religious" people grab onto and run with or run from.  For some it is what the gospel is all about.  For some it has nothing to do with the gospel and how dare you try to  make it.  I believe social justice is something Jesus was all about.

Love your neighbor.  Not just the one who lives next door or upstairs, but everyone on the planet.  Get to know people who are different than you.  A different race, culture, gender, religion.  Don't judge.  Share your beliefs and your belongings.  Take care of the widows, the orphans, and the sick.  Not just by throwing some money in a plate or towards a charity.  Go out and do it.  It can and may change your life.     That's what Jesus did.  He didn't give all his money to the synagogue  and work towards becoming the next "Nazareth's Carpenter of the Year".  Jesus went out and walked among God's children and told them that first - they were loved.  Second - they needed to follow him.

I read an amazing book (almost in one day!) by Barbara Kingsolver called "The Bean Trees".  It's an amazing story of a young girl whose goal is to get through high school without getting pregnant and make something of herself somewhere far away from home.  She ends up going from Kentucky to Arizona and along the way "inherits" a small child.  Once in Tucson she starts making a life for herself working at a tire repair shop that just also happens to be a safe house for Central American refugees.  In my eyes, it's a story of how Taylor Greer grows up.

My favorite line is during a conversation with a friend who happens to be a refugee from Guatemala who has experienced some awful things in his life.  After hearing his story Taylor says "I hate to say it, but I really don't know.  I can't even being to think about a world where people have to make choices like that."  Her friend replies - "You live in that world."

I live in that world.  We say it all the time, especially faced with something beyond words difficult, I can't imagine... what that would be like, or I can't imagine a world where that happens.

We don't have to imagine it.  It's here.  The question is what do we do about it.  What does our christian faith move in us to do about it?

Give.
Be there.
Go out and love people.

Not just go out and preach to people about how Jesus saves.  I mean, yes Jesus saves.  But if I was a widow walking to the drug store wondering about how I'm going to afford my medication and you handed me a pamphlet about God I might curse at you.  If you walked with me and became my friend, perhaps helped me with my paperwork for healthcare I would say "God Bless You"  and go to church if you invited me.

If I was a poor young adult struggling to find steady work to pay the bills and wondering what is good in this world and you tried to tell me Jesus was good I would ask you if he was hiring.

Meet basic needs.
Preserve human dignity.
Don't do it through a middle man - go out and make a friend.

The best way I know to not get lost in the imaginative world is to experience the real one.  Don't keep yourself in a pretty imaginative world were everyone has what they need.  Go out and live, love, and share the love of God.

In peace,
your sister in Christ~
Erin

Learning the little things

I often get caught contemplating the big questions in life.  What is my calling?  How can I help world poverty and hunger?  How do you put into practice the teachings of God?  Is God really just?  I mean there are a lot of stories in the bible....

But today I was watching two little boys of a friend of mine and we went to the park.  The older one, 4, found an acorn and remembered that earlier I had said that squirrels eat acorns and he said - "For the squirrels?"  The rest of the time he went looking for acorns and digging in the sand.

I was so proud that he made the connection and that today he learned about squirrels and acorns.  It was a big deal in his world and therefore, also in mine.

I struggle with parents who say, I want to let my child decide what to believe when they get old enough.  Well... if we really believe in God and God's love as our salvation - they we should care.  Kids are amazing and they learn so much in a day.  I hope that I can help share my love for God and his love for them to this family as we get to know each other better.

I also struggle with the verse - Only those who come like little children will enter the kingdom of heaven.  Little children don't simply believe what you say, they are inquisitive and get into everything and all over the place - (mentally and literally!)  It makes me have hope that when I have all these big questions, I am like a child trying to understand something much bigger than me.

God Bless you on your struggles and adventures.
Peace
your sister in Christ~Erin

Educating our Kids

There are a lot of interesting things to think about that don't really matter.  Like what makes the sunset mostly red or why we only see the constellation Orion in the winter in this hemisphere.  I mean, they do matter in the grand scheme of the world, but not necessarily in my world.  Or the questions like Is God omnipotent and changeless?  Because if he is then why does he rule differently today then in the old testament?  Not to say that there is a right answer but interesting topics to discuss.  Discuss - not debate.  Talk about in a respectful and loving way.  (Sometimes I have discovered these kinds of topics can lead to hurt feelings or uncomfortableness among some present...sorry! We didn't mean it!)

And then there are the things that matter that I simply rejoice that other people know and take care of that I don't really understand or want to know about.  Like the laws.  I like to vote, but I don't want to be a politician.  I want to elect someone whom I have faith in and be able to say thanks or please don't do that.  Scientific research too!  I don't want to stare at petri dishes trying to find a cure to cancer but I'm really glad someone else does!

There are however things I do care about that do matter.  For one, my faith.  God has touched my life in such an amazing way I want to share it with others.  I can only imagine as a parent how much you would love your child and want to share the wonders of the world with them.  For many parents this includes their faith.  So the question to discuss here is should you, the church, or anyone indoctrinate kids?

I can see both a yes and no answer to this.  There is a common thought today that well... I just let my kids decide when they get old enough.  (falling on the no side)  Yes, faith is a personal decision.  Yes, kids often follow the values of their parents and other role models around them.  If the ideas are shared and presented.  But, we don't let our kids (mostly) decide when their bedtime should be, what is good for them to eat and not, how much TV to watch, what is appropriate to wear or say... the list goes on.  It's just a part of parenting.  We teach kids what is good and right and what is bad and wrong.  So why is faith questioned?

Well... faith or religion?

There is also many who teach kids theology that personally I think goes a little to far.  Yes, Jesus loves them and I agree kids should know that.  But I just watched the documentary Jesus Camp lately and was very distressed at some of the things happening.  I have read about Islamic extremist schools for young boys that teach the west is evil and a threat to peace and happiness and God.

Hitler also educated youth.  With propaganda they believed that still today makes many of us tremble.  So there are extremes to this question.  What do we teach kids about faith and God and the church?

I think that this is a fascinating question.  It came up in a discussion with my sister yesterday.  We were talking about God parents somehow and she mentioned how her and her fiance just touched the subject a while ago and he was not okay with me as a God parent because I am not catholic and they are.  We don't believe the same things.

Well yes and no.  Earlier in the conversation she laughed at me and said "why aren't you catholic?".  We share so many fundamental beliefs about God and faith.  That's why we are all christians!!  Yet we often don't know the truth behind the differences or over emphasis them.

I say teach the kids the truth of the gospel.  Use scripture for references.  And teach them the differences of the major faiths and famous religious people and what they said.  Saint Augustine is one of my favorite people - yes a catholic!  But I still love being a part of the United Methodist Church.  I also love Luther - (just saw the movie LUTHER as well - excellent!)

Bottom line - we all love God and have a very unifying message in his gospel.  Teach that to anyone with ears who will listen.

In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

This is from the top of Pulpit Rock in Norway, 

one of my favorite places ever my feet have been.  

Where has God guided your feet?  

Lists

Confession:  I love lists.

I have been teased many times, but I like to make lists.  I make to do lists, wish lists, grocery lists... project lists... lists of books i want to read, people i want to learn about, places i want to go.  It's my way of being organized.  (not something some of my friends would describe me as)

Sometimes I put the simplest tasks on the list and sometimes very complicated ones.  It's the little things that make up so much of time though.  It's the little things that we remember and that give us joy.

The latest time consuming wonderful joy in my life has been cooking.  I get to cook for my grandparents daily and I'm always trying to use fresh fruits or vegetable and Grandma and I have been trying new recipes.  Last night we made sweet potato fries and they were AMAZING!

A really simple recipe, a common task that happens daily, but something I'll treasure for a long time.

This fall I have been living the phrase "take time to stop and smell the roses".  And I am forever grateful for this time.

Hoping you find your rest,
In peace - Erin

Influences

I am often surprised by the things I don't notice.  Often during a day I will hear something I think is really cool or see something really awesome and say to myself - sweet!  remember that!  I did that this morning actually.... I'm not sure what about though.

In my case, I am more influenced by presence then anything else.  I really do love living with my grandparents, especially in those little moments where grandma just looks and me and gives me a hug.  Her way of saying, "what would I do without you right now girl?".

Yet at the same time there are many things I want to be focusing on right now, and many things dragging me down.  EXPECTATIONS!!!  I am soooo sick of trying to explain to people why I'm making this choice right now.  To stay with my grandparents instead of go to seminary.  I don't have a good job here.  I can't just say out loud to everyone that they really need me.  Yes, I'm waiting to go back to school.  When I try to say explain it, I get a look that makes me feel like I'm not going anywhere.  Oh.  and a change of subject.

I have always been the motivated child with hopes and dreams and plans.  Right now I feel like I'm just sitting around.  It drags me down.  I drag me down.

But the other day I went to camp.  I could feel the excitement run through me.  Working on grants, answering the door, just being there with people around made my day.  Nothing all that special happened.  I didn't touch anyone's life or save the world from hunger.  Yet just being there was a positive influence.

I do miss my friends.  Many of them are all around the world.  I think back to crazy times that many of them have been there for me.  Late night chats, crazy shenanigans, "family" meals... They still influence me today.  But it's not necessarily the things they say - it's the things they do and their presence.  I keep tabs with a few by reading their blogs.  Isn't it funny how you can really hear a person through how they write sometimes?  It's like they are right there telling you about it themselves.  You smile, you laugh out loud... you feel like they are still there.

Thank you God for the positive influences in my life.  Even when they are far away.

In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

God is not a vending Machine

A very wise friend of mine told me one night -
"Erin, I have realized many things people try to make God into that he's not.  For example, God is not a vending machine.  People put in their good deeds and their righteous lives and expect blessings to follow in exactly their way.  But it doesn't work that way.  God is not a vending machine."  (paraphrased.... )

Very sound theological advice actually.  In my devo for the day I was reading from Psalm 79.  The past few days have been from Jeremiah.  Sigh... Jeremiah.  My favorite prophet.  Gosh I can't imagine being him.  Trying to tell the hebrew people that they weren't doing what they should and that they would fail.

I love watching the kids I have taught go through teambuilding games.  One of my favorite things for them to realize is that they don't like to be told what to do, so maybe... just maybe... they shouldn't tell others what to do.  I can't imagine what Jeremiah ran up against.  I'm sure the Hebrew people didn't appreciate him telling them what to do, or worse, that they would fail.

Then he lived through the Babylonian exile.  Being a prophet is hard enough, but to predict bad things and then see them happen?  I understand the words of the psalmist, how long will you let us suffer?  I feel like our society is fairly used to suffering.  We hear often of single parents struggling, unemployment, homelessness... but we also hear stories of people overcoming.  We life those stories up and say look - you can do it!

But it's not that simple.  (sorry... )  Every time we lift up someone who has made it, despite difficult times and situations; those of us who do have enough, who are food secure, who even have extra (like multiple cars and multiple TV's, and stocks, and... the list goes on) say to ourselves - "self, I don't have to give of my excess because I worked for it.  That person made it, so can others".  Sigh... that's not what its about.

We want God to give all of us our happily ever afters.  Yes, we expect struggle and difficult times - for what would any story be like without that.  We all have something we're up against.  - I love that quote from The Freedom Writers.  But like any good movie, we expect somehow for things to resolve and work their way out.  If we pray enough.  If we have enough faith.  If we are generous and loving.

That's not what God is about.  God is about love.  Forgiving us for our sin and saving us.  That doesn't mean our lives will end like a disney movie.  It's not a simple introduction - building tension - climax - resolution story we all want so bad.  Sometimes we just have to accept the cards we have been dealt and make the best lemonade with them.

My favorite prayer (Francis of Assisi)
"Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Yes, I hope for my happily ever after.  Find love, serve the world, make a difference, raise some loving kids.  But I try to keep in mind that my God is not a vending machine and accept all the burdens he blesses me with as well as the treasures.

In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Rebellion

This was the verse of the day today:  


“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: "I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”- Isaiah 48:17


Does it make me a rebellious young person to not entirely like this verse?  One thing I try to stress to the youth I work with is that nobody likes to be told what to do.  It takes a pretty good leader to be able to motivate people to do what they want without people feeling like you are telling them what to do.  


In the US we live in a society which tells us that we can do whatever we want.  It's all about having the freedom to live how we choose.  And characteristically we get very upset when others think they can tell us what to do.  


But then I wonder sometimes if that's not just human nature.  When the Israelites  asked God for a king, he said HE was the king.  But they just kept asking until he finally gave in and look what a mess that turned out to be sometimes.  Parents everywhere will tell you that children will sometimes do exactly the opposite of what you tell them just because you told them.  Why is it so hard for us to be obedient?  


But when I spend more time with this verse and fight against my rebellious side it is comforting.  God knows what is best and will teach it to me and I continue to look to him and not myself for which way to go.  Best of luck with you also.  


In peace, 
your sister in Christ~Erin

Life is...

 I am a thinker and sometimes I find myself pondering the age old philosophical questions many before me have wondered.  What is life all about? 

Well in my experience everyone answers this question differently and often tries to persuade others to their answer. 

Life is about love…  

Life is about success…

Life is about family…

Life is about relationships…

Life is about happiness…

Life is about God…

Life is about chocolate…

How a person answers this question, or whether or not they do, shapes who a person is.  I’m not saying that you have to choose one – there is great wisdom in balancing many or all of those ideas. 

Yet I can’t help but notice that I… and I suppose other young people, struggle to answer the question at all.  This leads us to search, for what we don’t know, but apparently we’ll know when we find it. 

At camp I try to show people that life is about relationships.  In survival class we talk about how it’s almost impossible to live all by yourself.  We as humans need each other.  For help taking care of ourselves – getting food and building shelter, but also for company and love.  Kids share how important their family and friends are to their lives. 

And the staff teach how much God wants to be in relationship with us.  Over and over again he reaches out and shows us how he cares.  He knows us.  He knows me.  While it is an easy concept to say, it is much deeper.  God knows when I cut a corner or tell a lie, when I go out of my way to help someone, or when I’m impatient or rude.  He chooses to love me anyway and this is the amazing gift of grace.  But it doesn’t stop there. 

Life is about relationships.  They grow and change as we grow and change.  We get out of them what we put in.  Many of us have seen relationships fall apart and disappear when we stop putting any effort into them.  Yet God continues to try with us, with me. 

Take time daily to work on your relationship with God.  He teaches us to pray – to talk and listen to him.  To study about him by reading the bible (remember who he is – not making him into something I want him to be).  And to act on that relationship – serve and love others. 

The cost of discipleship – choosing to have that relationship with God, is high.  It requires commitment and time.  But is one relationship I know my life can’t live without.  

Transitions

When looking at something with a critical eye we divide it into pieces and consider the quality of each piece and then the whole.  Transitions is the time between sections.  But living in transition I wonder if its more than we give it credit for.

I guess I have this idea that life fits into a nice timeline of events.  Childhood, school years, college, job.... marriage and family next?

Yet my generation cares and doesn't care about this nice and easy system.  What about those of us that have degrees and no job?  So many more factors to complicate life... economics for example.

And then there is the cheesy quotes and thoughts that each day matters and we can make it what we want.  Yet we all know that life is like a patchwork quilt and while one square can be perfect.... it's all of them together that really make something.

So what does the bible say about transitions?  Not much... story-story-story.  The transitions of traveling or time when their isn't a story happening is left out.  (can't imagine how big the bible would be with all of the day to day!)  Yet that is where life is lived.

So that's what I'm up to this fall.  Living life.  Caring for my family.  Caring for myself.

Watch out blog - here I come.

In peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Friendship and Leadership

I LOVE to meet new people.  One of my favorite things about camp is that I get to meet new people all the time.  As you get to know a person it's almost like unwrapping a present.  You don't know what you will find, and you may love it or be very surprised. 

Based on the life and teachings of Jesus, I think he also loved getting to meet lots of people.  I wonder if he struggled at all... getting to know their names, remembering what they like and dislike, listening when they were talking.  Yet the whole Jesus is God connection probably means he knew them before they even knew of him.  I try my best to treat everyone I meet as Jesus would want me to treat them.  Have fun, get to know them honestly, and respect them.  I quickly gain new friends. 

Yet... sometimes in someplaces my leadership and mothering side shows through more.  I will step in to help a friend and end up leading a situation.  Many times I am asked or it is expected.  Not that I mind, I will automatically do what I can to serve others (I'm pretty excited to be a deacon for that is really what they do!)  Yet the servant leadership /friend line can get blurry. 

What would Jesus do?  Would Jesus try to encourage those around him who seemed to need it?  Would he scold them?  Would he lovingly try to fix the little problems or would he just let them be to solve themselves?  Sigh... well - looking back, he often fixed his disciples views on things.  Yet always in a loving, non condescending way.  He seemed to have a better grip on what was truely important. 

So now what?  I am going to remember the lesson I brought with my in the form of a hammock from my last camp.  Relax.  Remember that God is in charge.  Pray for his wisdom to show you what to do and what to leave be. 

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Outside World and Camp....

I am currently sitting in a McDonald's with 8% of battery left.  Partly because of my own organizational mess... and partly because internet and camp aren't often ... well friends.

I am loving seeing God unwrap why he brought me to Pine Lake this summer.  Please pray for me, the rest of the camp staff, the conference board/administrators, and all the campers this summer.

Theme:  Be a hero, be a friend, be like Jesus.

I love it.  Encouraging kids to make a difference in their world, be someone's hero... but ultimatly be more like Jesus.

Peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Norway day 2

We arrived in the Oslo airport yesterday about 11 am (well... 11 am here - that´s 4 am at home).  After a short train ride into the city (the airport is in the country) we were welcomed by my Uncle (for all intensive purposes...) Tom.  His wife, Ingunn, was a foreign exchange student of my grandparents the year I was born.  They are from Norway and live in Oslo with their two sons - Christofer and Viktor.  We have been staying with them in Oslo for the past two days, which is an incredible kindness towards us.

I remember the last time Ingunn and Tom visited the states I was 13.  Ingunn was pregnant, and morning sickness as well as jet lag was a bit much... so grandma had me come up to help with Christofer who was about 2.  We had a blast sightseeing and hanging out.  They have been so helpful from the start when I told them some friends and I wanted to visit Norway.  They are actually out this weekend at a handball tournament with Christofer and left us the house!

It has been a fantastic trip so far.  I have committed myself to being on vacation and not being stressed or worried much about anything.  I am here with my friend Matthew, his cousin Nate, and our friends Mark and Carmen.  The boys love looking at the map and figuring out the best way to get somewhere and what to do.  We aren´t too jet lagged either.  It´s almost midnight, but back home it is only 5 pm.  We are 7 hours ahead.

Today we slept late =) took the bus into the city center, got Oslo passes, then went to the winter olympic ski jump.  It is huge!!  Very cool though.  Then we got on some buses and went to see the Viking Museum - with old ships! , and an old Norse village.  We stopped at an awesome park full of beautiful statues and sat down to eat our pizza we made at home and brought.  There were probably at least 2 or 3 hundred statues of people.  All in life poses... angry, happy, twirling children, hugging, thinking, etc.  At the highest point in the park is the largest statue - 121 people in a tower all trying to climb up.  Breathtaking and sort of humorous all at the same time.  We stopped by the palace on the way home, which is really cool because it is so simple, not really what you expected.  The subway took us really close to the house, some pizza and some cribbage later and we are ready for bed.

People here are very friendly.  I always worry a bit when I travel.  I know I am going to need help.  I know I am going to mess up.  I know I am going to do something stupid or get myself stuck somewhere.  Today when we were waiting for a bus we were checking which one to take and an elderly lady came up and asked in slow English if we needed any help.  She was so sweet!  You could tell she was not very confident with her english, but had such a willing spirit.

I hope that I can be that loving willing spirit for others.  I have my struggles and my challenges, for example when and how to stand up for what I think.  What to say when others judge.  How to be loving to everyone I meet.  How to keep my life organized and together!  But with the wonderful laidback friends I have and the new ones I have simply run into here in Norway I remember how wonderful a smile and a kind word can be.

In peace and love,
your sister in Christ, Erin

Invisible

Last weekend we had a wonderful family camp come in sponsored by Cincinnati Children's Hospital.  They were from Star Shine, a hospice program and each family had lost a child.  It was so cool to work with them and be there to make their day and give their families a chance to be together and meet others like them.

I cried a lot.  Some of the leaders of the weekend did an orientation with us before the families arrived to help us learn about their program, what to expect, and general do's and don'ts when working with grieving families.  They also shared the families stories, from their own words.

One thing they said hit me hard.  When families are dealing with a crisis and going through difficult times everyone responds differently.  A child can slip below the radar of their parents by being the perfect child - getting good grades and having it all together.  Or looking like they do.  It's their way of trying not to add to the pile of things going on.  But within that they can suppress their own needs and create a disconnect with the family.

It's a way to be invisible.  Don't forget about anyone.  Check in with them.  Find ways to show that you are there and that you love them.

Walking my path

Life is a series of experiences, and part of what I love about it all is that depending on where you're at you see and learn different things from them.  There are many days were I love walking my path, but there is still a lot of uncertainty of what and how.  I suppose there always will be.

There will always be days where I flip out.  There will always be days when I break down.  Worrying is one of the things I do best.  I always worry about those I care about.  In my own way.

I wonder about who I am in how I do things.  I guess I will always do things however they are the most comfortable for me - don't we all?  Yet I do always try to consider how everything I do will effect others.  I laugh at how many times I've been scolded and told to take care of myself and stop thinking about others.  It's how I connect and care for people - yet sometimes I feel like it all happens in my head.

We are all born with preferences and needs.  And it's easier to be with those who are like us.  Yet at the same time the world holds so much.  Other ways to live, other preferences... can challenge your own and compliment your own.  One school of thought is to know yourself, be strong, and go out into the world with a purpose.  Another school of thought is to constantly seek out new opportunities and new experiences, being in a state of constant flux and change and growth.  Oh how to find a balance!  

I get to own my own feelings.  I get to say them however I feel.  Yet sometimes I feel them and then I get over them.  Other times they keep sneaking up on me over and over.  I still get to own them.

I know that I'll be okay on my path, but I've been fighting parts of it for a long time.  I feel like I want to explain why to myself, yet it is difficult without making excuses.  It just seems to me that seminary while it seems so right, so what I've been looking for - it is also giving up all control.

Judge less... sigh.  Love more...
Ouch.

I don't know how to be me here most of the time.  When I'm working, with kids or clients, then I feel great - like myself.  But other times I feel hurt.  I feel like I'd felt at home growing up with my parents.  Not accepted, not encouraged, just put up with.  My reactions aren't judgement - or at least not meant to be, but perception is everything.  All I ever wanted was to be accepted and fit in.  sigh... I guess we all failed each other.

Always learning about myself and how to better love others.
Trying so hard,
~Erin

Me and My head

Me.
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?

Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble.  There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am.  I love taking personality tests to see what they say.  I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think.  I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities.  But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world.  So much FEELING!!!  It drives me nuts sometimes.  It keeps me from being productive.  It pulls me down.

For example - I am an Extravert.  With a capital E.  In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0.  It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that.  But it's NOT me.  When left alone - I don't function well.  I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there.  And I have been alone so much lately.  Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy.  I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates.  I miss having roommates that are involved in my life.  I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met?  Because my needs are not getting met.  And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work.  I am just lonely.  But it effects me just as much.

And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be.  I love to learn and embrace new things.  Try new places and make new friends.  It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here.  I don't know what I can do differently.  But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry.  So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am ruled by my emotions.  I can admit it.  I work fine.  Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check.  This ... not so fine.

I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting.  Fighting to keep peace in my family.  Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world.  Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal".  Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work.  Fighting to keep my head above water personally.  Always fighting.

Some things are important.  I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting.  Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine.  Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had.  And worse... no one was here to hold me.

God never gives us more than we can handle.  But I'm sick of being a fighter.  I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break.  Coming home to myself... sucks.  For me.  I totally get that that's what some people need.  But it stresses me out!!!  Patience Erin, just give it time.  People will come into your life when they are suppose to.

Or do I need to work on how I am?  Become more open?  More tolerant?  Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition?  I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better.  But it wouldn't be the real me.  The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed.  Laughing and being crazy with my sister.  Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them.  The glowing perfectly happy me.

I just want to be me.  But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier.  Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is.  Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love."  And I loved it.  I wonder if people warn others about me like that?  I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time  - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about".  But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you.  And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too.  I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense.  Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears.  Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?

So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.

Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.

In peace,
Erin

Forgiveness...

A tricky subject with me... one that seems to plague me.  Yes plague me.  Got this the other day.  Sigh... and felt moved.  Maybe working towards forgiving... (Devotion from the Upper Room)

Since, then, we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

-Hebrews 4:14-16 (NRSV)

Today's Scripture
Jesus wept.  - John 11:35

"JESUS wept" was the verse my brother Jefferson chose to recite for his confirmation. My mother thought he chose it because it was the shortest verse in the Bible and therefore the easiest to remember.

Jefferson died on December 1, 2007 at the age of 48. The autopsy report listed liver failure as the cause of death. Jeff was a chronic alcoholic. He had been to rehabilitation centers again and again. He once had a promising career and a loving family. But alcohol stole everything. Some of us, his family, cut off contact with him hoping that "tough love" would help. We were often angry with him. I was embarrassed. None of us understood that he simply could not beat his addiction. When he died, I think we all felt guilty.

Now I see Jeff's confirmation verse in a different light. Jesus came to us so that he would understand what being human is like. He knows all about weakness, temptation, and failure. This verse reminds me that Jesus understands our pain and weakness, and he loves us in spite of them. We too can try to understand others and to love them in spite of their flaws.

Ali Morrison (Pennsylvania, USA)

Prayer

Dear Lord, we are grateful for your understanding. Thank you for loving us in spite of all we do that does not please you. Help us to make good choices and to love others without judging. Amen.
Thought for the Day
We are all sinners - and God loves us.
Prayer Focus
Addicts and their families

Peace, 

Erin