Can't always be perfect

I decided a few months ago, with sufficent proding by a friend, to take up meditation. I have always envied people who could just sit in quiet and seem "out of it", then when I ask them what they are thinking about they honestly answer - nothing. To empty one's mind and sit in peace... how wonderful would that be?

And it has been.

I never thought I would get there. I had simply come to the conclusion (because I know everything about myself at the ripe old age of 22) that I would never be able to calm or quiet my mind and reach that sort of state. But for whatever reasons I decided to try.

I like to meditate with a mantra. I have been exploring new ways to meditate as well and have a few books on the subject along with the typical web searches. It always takes some time, but I have had some indescribable experiences. In particular, one experience when I was in California at a conference.

I woke up one morning just not feeling right. Kinda like I was getting sick, but whatever it was I was just all out of wack. Perhaps because I had been running around with boundless and what seemed to be unlimited energy at a fabulous conference on camping and meeting tons of people. Honestly - I had not taken much time for myself or much time to rest. I just get so excited sometimes and it feels like I can't get enough of the wonderful experiences I'm having, so I just keep going and cramming in as much as I can in a day.

So I woke up all wrong, skipped breakfast and bible study to meditate. I have been advised that sometimes meditation can seem like you a sleeping - and I get nervous that I just do fall asleep. But I had a vision. (or a dream?) With some interesting people in my life, but it was very vivid, insightful, and meaningful to me. But that's not the best part.

Normally after meditating, I feel as if I am cuddled in God's arms. As if God is saying to me, honey I'm here, rest a bit, I'll take care of you and love you for always, you can always come to me and I'll always be right here. It's exactly what I feel like I've been searching for and wanting for as long as I can remember. And struggling with where to get it - because it doesn't come from the places I feel like it should or want it to. But here I have found it.

That wasn't the feeling I got that day in California. When I was done God wasn't holding me, God was inside of me. I had a similar feeling of warmth and love, but it was not outside of my physical body - it was within. Now, I am often described as a "bubbly" person - overflowing with energy. After meditating that morning I was not just bubbly - I was glowing. I just felt love beaming out of every possible part of me. It was indescribable.

I have been meditation for about an hour every other day or so for a while now. Sometimes more often, sometimes less. I can feel it when I skip it and I miss it. I am not as centered, patient, happy, or on task. On days I meditate, sometimes I feel like I can save the world. Or at least the world's orphans.

Sadly however, life can't always be perfect. I have been trying to meditate. I need it, I'm alittle high strung and stressed out. I feel like my own stuff is going okay - I need to be more productive and timely, but there are other things going on that are out of my control. I know in my head that not everything will be wonderful all the time - and that I can't solve everyones problems. But I still feel bad and it still effects me. I care... I'm sorry? It matters to me. But I guess all I can do is pray and focus on the things I can effect.

So I've been trying to meditate to help myself become more centered again - and I have not been able to for over a week! I try and nothing. No quiet. No peace. No nothing. Frustration and muddleness. I am still a mess!!!

But God doesn't work on my schedule, so I will have to keep trying.

always,

a sister on the journey

~Erin

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
1 There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

2 -8

A right time for birth and another for death,

A right time to plant and another to reap,

A right time to kill and another to heal,

A right time to destroy and another to construct,

A right time to cry and another to laugh,

A right time to lament and another to cheer,

A right time to make love and another to abstain,

A right time to embrace and another to part,

A right time to search and another to count your losses,

A right time to hold on and another to let go,

A right time to rip out and another to mend,

A right time to shut up and another to speak up,

A right time to love and another to hate,

A right time to wage war and another to make peace.