Last weekend we had a wonderful family camp come in sponsored by Cincinnati Children's Hospital. They were from Star Shine, a hospice program and each family had lost a child. It was so cool to work with them and be there to make their day and give their families a chance to be together and meet others like them.
I cried a lot. Some of the leaders of the weekend did an orientation with us before the families arrived to help us learn about their program, what to expect, and general do's and don'ts when working with grieving families. They also shared the families stories, from their own words.
One thing they said hit me hard. When families are dealing with a crisis and going through difficult times everyone responds differently. A child can slip below the radar of their parents by being the perfect child - getting good grades and having it all together. Or looking like they do. It's their way of trying not to add to the pile of things going on. But within that they can suppress their own needs and create a disconnect with the family.
It's a way to be invisible. Don't forget about anyone. Check in with them. Find ways to show that you are there and that you love them.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Walking my path
Life is a series of experiences, and part of what I love about it all is that depending on where you're at you see and learn different things from them. There are many days were I love walking my path, but there is still a lot of uncertainty of what and how. I suppose there always will be.
There will always be days where I flip out. There will always be days when I break down. Worrying is one of the things I do best. I always worry about those I care about. In my own way.
I wonder about who I am in how I do things. I guess I will always do things however they are the most comfortable for me - don't we all? Yet I do always try to consider how everything I do will effect others. I laugh at how many times I've been scolded and told to take care of myself and stop thinking about others. It's how I connect and care for people - yet sometimes I feel like it all happens in my head.
We are all born with preferences and needs. And it's easier to be with those who are like us. Yet at the same time the world holds so much. Other ways to live, other preferences... can challenge your own and compliment your own. One school of thought is to know yourself, be strong, and go out into the world with a purpose. Another school of thought is to constantly seek out new opportunities and new experiences, being in a state of constant flux and change and growth. Oh how to find a balance!
I get to own my own feelings. I get to say them however I feel. Yet sometimes I feel them and then I get over them. Other times they keep sneaking up on me over and over. I still get to own them.
I know that I'll be okay on my path, but I've been fighting parts of it for a long time. I feel like I want to explain why to myself, yet it is difficult without making excuses. It just seems to me that seminary while it seems so right, so what I've been looking for - it is also giving up all control.
Judge less... sigh. Love more...
Ouch.
I don't know how to be me here most of the time. When I'm working, with kids or clients, then I feel great - like myself. But other times I feel hurt. I feel like I'd felt at home growing up with my parents. Not accepted, not encouraged, just put up with. My reactions aren't judgement - or at least not meant to be, but perception is everything. All I ever wanted was to be accepted and fit in. sigh... I guess we all failed each other.
Always learning about myself and how to better love others.
Trying so hard,
~Erin
There will always be days where I flip out. There will always be days when I break down. Worrying is one of the things I do best. I always worry about those I care about. In my own way.
I wonder about who I am in how I do things. I guess I will always do things however they are the most comfortable for me - don't we all? Yet I do always try to consider how everything I do will effect others. I laugh at how many times I've been scolded and told to take care of myself and stop thinking about others. It's how I connect and care for people - yet sometimes I feel like it all happens in my head.
We are all born with preferences and needs. And it's easier to be with those who are like us. Yet at the same time the world holds so much. Other ways to live, other preferences... can challenge your own and compliment your own. One school of thought is to know yourself, be strong, and go out into the world with a purpose. Another school of thought is to constantly seek out new opportunities and new experiences, being in a state of constant flux and change and growth. Oh how to find a balance!
I get to own my own feelings. I get to say them however I feel. Yet sometimes I feel them and then I get over them. Other times they keep sneaking up on me over and over. I still get to own them.
I know that I'll be okay on my path, but I've been fighting parts of it for a long time. I feel like I want to explain why to myself, yet it is difficult without making excuses. It just seems to me that seminary while it seems so right, so what I've been looking for - it is also giving up all control.
Judge less... sigh. Love more...
Ouch.
I don't know how to be me here most of the time. When I'm working, with kids or clients, then I feel great - like myself. But other times I feel hurt. I feel like I'd felt at home growing up with my parents. Not accepted, not encouraged, just put up with. My reactions aren't judgement - or at least not meant to be, but perception is everything. All I ever wanted was to be accepted and fit in. sigh... I guess we all failed each other.
Always learning about myself and how to better love others.
Trying so hard,
~Erin
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Me and My head
Me.
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?
Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble. There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am. I love taking personality tests to see what they say. I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think. I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities. But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world. So much FEELING!!! It drives me nuts sometimes. It keeps me from being productive. It pulls me down.
For example - I am an Extravert. With a capital E. In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0. It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that. But it's NOT me. When left alone - I don't function well. I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there. And I have been alone so much lately. Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy. I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates. I miss having roommates that are involved in my life. I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met? Because my needs are not getting met. And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work. I am just lonely. But it effects me just as much.
And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be. I love to learn and embrace new things. Try new places and make new friends. It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here. I don't know what I can do differently. But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry. So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am ruled by my emotions. I can admit it. I work fine. Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check. This ... not so fine.
I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting. Fighting to keep peace in my family. Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world. Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal". Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work. Fighting to keep my head above water personally. Always fighting.
Some things are important. I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting. Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine. Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had. And worse... no one was here to hold me.
God never gives us more than we can handle. But I'm sick of being a fighter. I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break. Coming home to myself... sucks. For me. I totally get that that's what some people need. But it stresses me out!!! Patience Erin, just give it time. People will come into your life when they are suppose to.
Or do I need to work on how I am? Become more open? More tolerant? Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition? I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better. But it wouldn't be the real me. The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed. Laughing and being crazy with my sister. Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them. The glowing perfectly happy me.
I just want to be me. But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier. Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is. Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love." And I loved it. I wonder if people warn others about me like that? I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about". But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you. And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too. I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense. Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears. Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?
So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.
Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.
In peace,
Erin
Erin.
I know who I am.
Right?
Sigh... okay - so if you are reading this, prepare for some major psycho babble. There are times where I feel like I know exactly who I am. I love taking personality tests to see what they say. I love finding words to describe what I like or how I think. I love being able to help others figure out their preferences and their own personalities. But other times I feel completely lost and adrift in the world. So much FEELING!!! It drives me nuts sometimes. It keeps me from being productive. It pulls me down.
For example - I am an Extravert. With a capital E. In fact, on the Myers Briggs test on a scale from extravert to introvert I scored a 25 to 0. It's not that I don't understand introverts need time alone to process and energize themselves - I get that. But it's NOT me. When left alone - I don't function well. I would rather be with the TV than alone because at least I have someone there. And I have been alone so much lately. Sometimes I think that's what makes me so crazy. I miss having roommates... but I do have roommates. I miss having roommates that are involved in my life. I get that they are introverts - but how do I respect that and get my needs met? Because my needs are not getting met. And I know that there are people all over the world who are not getting their needs met - who are hungry, in danger, refugees, or struggling to find work. I am just lonely. But it effects me just as much.
And at the same time I wonder who I am and what I want to be. I love to learn and embrace new things. Try new places and make new friends. It pains me so much that I don't get my needs met here. I don't know what I can do differently. But to work with people professionally when I don't feel like they like me in this kind of setting... makes me want to cry. So okay - I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am ruled by my emotions. I can admit it. I work fine. Not fabulous - fabulous is connected to my mental health being in check. This ... not so fine.
I feel like things just pile up on me and I just keep fighting. Fighting to keep peace in my family. Fighting against my parents to control my own life and help them accept who I am, while at the same time needing their help and their love to get started in the world. Fighting the world and the things I find unacceptable that are considered desirable or "normal". Fighting to compromise and not step on people's toes at work. Fighting to keep my head above water personally. Always fighting.
Some things are important. I miss my friends because I feel like they were always a break from the fighting. Always reassuring me that I was just where I needed to be and fine. Without them I have had more freak outs and break downs in the past year than I feel like I almost ever had. And worse... no one was here to hold me.
God never gives us more than we can handle. But I'm sick of being a fighter. I feel like I started at too young an age and I just want someone to come home too who will love me and give me a break. Coming home to myself... sucks. For me. I totally get that that's what some people need. But it stresses me out!!! Patience Erin, just give it time. People will come into your life when they are suppose to.
Or do I need to work on how I am? Become more open? More tolerant? Less extraverty... or feeling... or making decisions bases on my intuition? I know my preference is to be that way... but I can be different if it would be better. But it wouldn't be the real me. The crazy me I can be when I'm completely relaxed. Laughing and being crazy with my sister. Or my best friend Erika scolding me in restaurants because you aren't suppose to sing in them. The glowing perfectly happy me.
I just want to be me. But there are all sorts of messages that tell me that I can better help the world understand me and accept me easier. Before working with a new staff member one day I was given the advice - "She may seem pushy - but that's just how she is. Don't be offended, she is only offering her thoughts in love." And I loved it. I wonder if people warn others about me like that? I also have a growing fondness for the show "What not to wear" and the two co-hosts hear people say all the time - "it's not my clothes but my personality I want people to care about". But they stress over and over that the clothes give the first impression and make a HUGE difference for both you and people who look at you. And then their is all the psycho babble of "The biggest loser" which I can't help to relate too. I am overweight, possibly dangerously in a health sense. Every doctor has told me I'm fine, but seriously... 5 ft and more than 200 lbs - bad news bears. Sigh... who am I and how do I portray myself to the world?
So this is me frustrated, upset, hopeful, and wandering...
Haha... kinda normal for me I guess.
Missing my sister and friends who do oh so well at grounding my floating crazy self.
In peace,
Erin
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Forgiveness...
A tricky subject with me... one that seems to plague me. Yes plague me. Got this the other day. Sigh... and felt moved. Maybe working towards forgiving... (Devotion from the Upper Room)
Today's Scripture
Jesus wept. - John 11:35
Since, then, we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
-Hebrews 4:14-16 (NRSV)
Today's Scripture
Jesus wept. - John 11:35
"JESUS wept" was the verse my brother Jefferson chose to recite for his confirmation. My mother thought he chose it because it was the shortest verse in the Bible and therefore the easiest to remember.
Jefferson died on December 1, 2007 at the age of 48. The autopsy report listed liver failure as the cause of death. Jeff was a chronic alcoholic. He had been to rehabilitation centers again and again. He once had a promising career and a loving family. But alcohol stole everything. Some of us, his family, cut off contact with him hoping that "tough love" would help. We were often angry with him. I was embarrassed. None of us understood that he simply could not beat his addiction. When he died, I think we all felt guilty.
Now I see Jeff's confirmation verse in a different light. Jesus came to us so that he would understand what being human is like. He knows all about weakness, temptation, and failure. This verse reminds me that Jesus understands our pain and weakness, and he loves us in spite of them. We too can try to understand others and to love them in spite of their flaws.
Ali Morrison (Pennsylvania, USA)
Prayer
Dear Lord, we are grateful for your understanding. Thank you for loving us in spite of all we do that does not please you. Help us to make good choices and to love others without judging. Amen.
Thought for the Day
We are all sinners - and God loves us.
Prayer Focus
Addicts and their families
Thought for the Day
We are all sinners - and God loves us.
Prayer Focus
Addicts and their families
Peace,
Erin
Friday, April 16, 2010
Breathtaking and radiant
The dressing up... the group singing... working hard and working together
( i am in the front corner on the left - and this is cathedral in La Crosse from the Spring 2006)
Singing is my joy.
My perfect happiness.
My personal high. (all natural too)
So how does that work into the life plans??
Peace and pondering,
Erin
Friday, April 02, 2010
Undeserved death
Good Friday. The day we remember Jesus on the cross. Those few lines written in the gospels many years after the day, prophecies foretelling it, and the despair we feel because of it. A day when we leave church feeling unworthy, saddened, guilty, and quiet. We pray for mercy as even today more than 2000 years later we still do not abide by the teachings of this man.
We do not feed the hungry, clothe the naked, or love our neighbor. We ask for mercy... yet do not stray from our ways! Sigh. Church wake up!!!! Brother and sisters - sacrifice some of your comfort so others can live!!!!
Yes there are many ministries reaching out and doing wonderful things. I have written of the soup kitchen in my town, their are many ministries abroad, there are children's homes and foster care and welfare and food stamps. Today we do not talk about deserving. Jesus didn't deserve to die and he did it to save us. No one deserves to starve and Jesus would not have wondered if they have a job or work or why they need it. He would have loved and gave... he did love and give us everything.
I was very touched by the cross that sat in front of the alter area throughout worship today. At the end of the service the clergy present (it was ecumenical and there were 10+ clergy) picked up the cross and carried it through town to the stations of the cross. It was very moving to see the cross solemnly carried past me...
Throughout the service however I was reminded of a movie (The Boy in the Striped Pajamas) I had watched the night before with a friend. I have been wanting to watch it for a while now and it was very good. **Spoiler alert** (sorry but it's important to my blog, but if you want to watch the movie this is huge!!)
Bruno, an 8 year old son of a German soldier must leave all his friends as his father is transfered to the country to oversee a camp. Bruno is left alone and wants to explore but is forbidden to go behind the house. From his window he can see what he thinks is a farm, but all the farmers are wearing pajamas. Eventually he sneaks away and meets another 8 year old boy on the other side of the fence - wearing pajamas. They become friends, sharing food and company through the fence. One day Schmal (the other boy) shows up at Bruno's home to clean glasses (they needed little fingers) and the boys get caught when Bruno gives him some food. Bruno lies and Schmal gets beaten. Not long after Bruno's mother finds out what the smoke is distraught. She says this is not place for children and plans to leave. Hoping to make up his betrayal to his friend, Bruno agrees to help Schmal find his father who recently went missing. The day he is suppose to leave, Bruno digs a hole under the fence, puts on a pair of pajamas and goes into the camp only to be shuffled into the "showers". His parents discover he is missing moments after he is locked inside and the gas is killing him.
Good friday is all about a undeserved death. We sin, we disobey our maker - the lover of our souls. I sin, I continue to choose myself over others, I do not love my neighbor, I give in to my selfishness. Bruno was an innocent 8 year old child. I can't imagine how that father would feel. I think of him climbing through the bodies to hold his son and how he would have felt.
God could not and would not allow that to happen to us so he sent his son to take our guilt, our pain, and our punishment so that we may have life. Heaven. Love. That's the easter story. That's the passion. That's the story of the gospels. Life, not death.
We do not feed the hungry, clothe the naked, or love our neighbor. We ask for mercy... yet do not stray from our ways! Sigh. Church wake up!!!! Brother and sisters - sacrifice some of your comfort so others can live!!!!
Yes there are many ministries reaching out and doing wonderful things. I have written of the soup kitchen in my town, their are many ministries abroad, there are children's homes and foster care and welfare and food stamps. Today we do not talk about deserving. Jesus didn't deserve to die and he did it to save us. No one deserves to starve and Jesus would not have wondered if they have a job or work or why they need it. He would have loved and gave... he did love and give us everything.
Throughout the service however I was reminded of a movie (The Boy in the Striped Pajamas) I had watched the night before with a friend. I have been wanting to watch it for a while now and it was very good. **Spoiler alert** (sorry but it's important to my blog, but if you want to watch the movie this is huge!!)
Good friday is all about a undeserved death. We sin, we disobey our maker - the lover of our souls. I sin, I continue to choose myself over others, I do not love my neighbor, I give in to my selfishness. Bruno was an innocent 8 year old child. I can't imagine how that father would feel. I think of him climbing through the bodies to hold his son and how he would have felt.
God could not and would not allow that to happen to us so he sent his son to take our guilt, our pain, and our punishment so that we may have life. Heaven. Love. That's the easter story. That's the passion. That's the story of the gospels. Life, not death.
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