Yikes. That didn't make me feel better. =( Okay, maybe a little?
I feel this constant pressure to be "good". To be responsible, have my life together, be there for others, and fulfill my promises. Many people I know have described me as those things over and over before and it's hard to always live up to that.
Sometimes I fail. I am very forgetful. But I don't want to come out and admit that I messed up - mostly because I know I will let people down. So I lie. Little white lies, but painful for me. I feel like Paul when he says "Why do I do the things I hate?!?!?"
Romans 7 :15-20
15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Actually reminds me a lot of some of my babblings... thanks Paul. =)
I confess I have sinned. Against God and those I love. Over and over again I choose to sin. I choose to not love as I should. I choose to lie when I get in a tight spot. I choose to run away or put off instead of face my problems and fears. I have not been a good disciple. And as a part of the church, we together have not loved but excluded, judged, and at times even killed in the name of God. For this I ask for mercy and forgiveness not only from God, but from the non-Christians of the world. We, the church, have hurt people and to ask their forgiveness for our sins would definitely open some doors.
Inspired by a story found in Chapter 11 of "Blue like Jazz" - Thanks Donald Miller!
In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin
3 comments:
Woah man! You're on 11 already! I gotta catch up!!! haha,I think I'll do that today cuz I feel like reading.
Do you think it is sin inside us that sins? I'm thinking that might be a cop out... Of course, no one is perfect, but doesn't free will mean the choice to do good or to sin? Idk, maybe I'm just not understanding Paul.
First, thanks for being so honest Erin! That's one thing I love about your blog. I also love that you wrote about his today because I've felt these same things as of late. It's difficult to feel like it's okay to make mistakes when people are always telling you that they're so proud of you and that you're going to go far. It puts pressure on you to make the future that those people want for you, your actual future.
I've been thinking about this idea of 'who' we want to be in the future, when we get a 'real' job or when we're older and I realized that we already are who we are. We don't need to try to make ourselves who we want to be in the future. So, this Lent, I made one of goals to be more conscious of making decisions and to make sure that all my words, all my actions represent who I am, that they represent me as a Christian.
And what I've learned is what Paul talked about and what you are saying that I do all sorts of things that I don't like. That once I really think about I realize that I judge, condemn, without my love and compassion and for what? Because society tells me that it's okay? Because I can do all those things in my head and no one has to know? That does not make it okay, we should love as Jesus loved and try harder to be more like him.
We should ask all those that we have sinned against for forgiveness. Thanks for that Erin, I hadn't done that or thought about it to be honest. But now it does seem like the natural course.
On the road to recovery,
Woman! I know you rock! So know that I am only down the road (literally) and sometimes a little farther down the road. Also, know that we all struggle and that it is okay, that is why we have others.
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