Confession

I am a manipulative liar.  I am selfish.  I don't love people as I should.  I am holding on to a grudge I refuse to forgive.

Yikes.  That didn't make me feel better.  =(  Okay, maybe a little?

I feel this constant pressure to be "good".  To be responsible, have my life together, be there for others, and fulfill my promises.  Many people I know have described me as those things over and over before and it's hard to always live up to that.

Sometimes I fail.  I am very forgetful.  But I don't want to come out and admit that I messed up - mostly because I know I will let people down.  So I lie.  Little white lies, but painful for me.  I feel like Paul when he says "Why do I do the things I hate?!?!?"


Romans 7 :15-20
¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Actually reminds me a lot of some of my babblings... thanks Paul.  =)  

I confess I have sinned.  Against God and those I love.  Over and over again I choose to sin.  I choose to not love as I should.  I choose to lie when I get in a tight spot.  I choose to run away or put off instead of face my problems and fears.  I have not been a good disciple.  And as a part of the church, we together have not loved but excluded, judged, and at times even killed in the name of God.  For this I ask for mercy and forgiveness not only from God, but from the non-Christians of the world.  We, the church, have hurt people and to ask their forgiveness for our sins would definitely open some doors.  

Inspired by a story found in Chapter 11 of "Blue like Jazz"  - Thanks Donald Miller!  

In peace with love, 

your sister in Christ~Erin

Emotions

Emotions are such funny things... complicated, wonderful, completely crazy, hurtful, and often dramatic feelings.  I would go as far as to say, emotions make the world go round.

Feelings of ...
love
hatred
happiness
sadness
betrayal
safe
cold
warm
fuzzy
loneliness
powerless
helpful
frustration
contentment
worthy
unworthy
confused
at peace

It is hard often to express ourselves and our emotions, and everyone reacts differently to them.  Some people control and own their emotions entirely while others are "controlled"  by their emotions.  Some people hide their emotions inside while others where them on their sleeve.

Yet every good story has emotion from classic novels to life stories to fables and folktales, movies and song lyrics.  Humans have emotions and our behavior is linked to them.  The key for me however is:  I believe we can not control our emotions, but we can control our behaviors.

For example:  I am terrified of the dark.  Really hate it.  I feel uncomfortable, nervous, frightened.  However I walk home alone in the dark and lead evening activities such as night hikes.  I can overcome my feelings and work through them, but some of them never go away.  Yet they don't control my behavior.

Deeper example:  I often feel overwhelmed by the love of God.  Like a wave has washed over me and everything I have ever worried about will be taken care of because the lover of my soul is here.  Often my response to that love is a feeling of unworthiness and that I should try to earn it.  Be a "good" person, kind and loving, reading my bible and behaving.  But when my "righteous" behavior comes from that feeling - it isn't quite right.  I can push and push all I want, but in the end I feel empty.  I must surrender my feelings to my God.  Only when I can do that can I embrace the love of God that is in me through the holy spirit and truly share it with others - and that brings me true joy.  

How are you feeling today?

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin