Rabbit Trails

I love the little things that color the world.  Little changes, unexpected, that draw your attention for maybe just a minute or a week... Rabbit Trails we call them sometimes (at staff meetings) and I am fully distracted by them!  All these little things, from blog posts to a radio bit, a comment from someone, a new book, just add a pop of color I didn't expect for my day.  It's fun. 

I know, I'm young.  I don't really know much.  Many days I feel starved for information, yet today- it's not hard to get.  (good sources a little trickery.. )  I can study Bonheoffer online, or contemplate how cool it would be if I could get birds to eat from my hand.  Yes, I know I'm alittle scattered, but it makes sense in my head - and God gave me this crazy head, so I've decided to embrace the way I think. 

Being young and not knowing nearly enough to really have my opinions... (ha - that doesn't stop me) I consistently attempt to listen first and speak later.  Difficult for me, I know.  But I also remind people that as I learn and grow my opinions and ideas will change.  Please have patience for me... and the rest of the human race. 

I just started reading an interesting book called "Black" - by Ted Dekker.  It took a while for me to get into it, but I loved it and am onto "Red"  the next book of the series.  There are great images of a loving God and a people fully in love with their creator.  Spending the better part of each day worshiping or preparing to worship.  The immense love felt by the characters is so touching. 

It's so much easier for me just to contemplate the ideology behind universalism and debate if it is "cheap grace" or not, than for me to really let my guard down and be wholely in love with the God who created me. 

So much easier to put down a book full of, in my head, rediculous oversimplistic claims of conservative evangelist Christianity and go volunteer at a local church and feel good about my social justice - than to really studying personally (not academically) the words of my God. 

Eh?  I dont' understand myself most days... but I'm glad I read.  Blogs, books, billboards... really it all adds fun color and random thoughts to each day helping me enjoy what has been created for me. 

Peace,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Overwhelmed to the point of apathy?

So many thoughts in my head.  Sometimes it is easy to write on a topic I am passionate about - I like to ramble.  But lately the words have just not been there.  My life was full of waiting, reading, caring for others, and learning to be patient and trust God to open doors for me. 

Today I am overwhelmed with thought.  (The internet will do that to you.)  I had a chance today to check out what I have been missing on some of my favorite blogs.  Oye vey.  All kinds of things to think about, no easy answers, some things I have strong opinions on - yet all too often I just don't know. 

Topics range from how to engage the church in meaningful relationships (marketing won't do it for you), living up to your principles, protesting for the rights(?) of Wisconsin public employees, the role of educators in parenting (due to lack of?), appropriateness in the media for young people... so many topics... so many thoughts.. no clear answers. 

So what?  One of my biggest pet peeves - apathy.  So there are all kinds of things going on in this world that are interesting or that in some ways I care about, but I am not going to add my voice.  AHH!!  Why not??  Too busy?  It's just not that important?  It's our world people - care!  Please... care. 

Yet I find myself in the same trap today.  So many interesting topics, topics I normally care about toay I am overwhelmed by.  I could just go back to the simple and easy aspect of my work - meanial tasks that have to get done, so I might as well do them.  Or contemplate how to ... well... how to share the message of Jesus with those who visit the camps I have the opportunity to serve.  Oye vey. 

As an oral communicator my favorite way to contemplate these things is intentional dialouge.  Face to face communication shows respect to one another - your ideas and your time matter to me.  That's what a good conversation says (to me.)  Yet, we are very entangled in the tasks.  And I'm not sure yet where my place is to ask or attempt to answer these questions.  They are important to me - how do we share the gospel?  How do we live out our faith here as disciples of Christ?  How do I live out my faith through the United Methodist Church?  How do I help lead others to do the same?  On my own?  Oye vey. 

I know that we are all blest with different spiritual gifts.  One way these present themselves is through personalities (a topic I very much enjoy!).  I know that I'm a dreamer, a very "green" person who likes to contemplate the big picture and what could be.  I'm not very task oriented.  My to-do lists are everywhere and more often ambigious than check lists, yet they are my attempt to organize and work on details.  But when we are so overwhelmed by our own individual lists/tasks/dreams - how do we fit together? 

Today, do I care?  Sigh.  I don't know. 

I ran across one shining white light in my blog reading today - one of my favorite concepts.  Namaste.  Ah... "The divinity in me percieves and adores the divinity in you." (is my favorite interpretation)  Even if I don't know you, even if I don't get what I want from you, even if I love you - it is because the Holy Spirit in me (striving to purify me and make me more holy) recognizes the Holy Spirit within you and I will treat you as such.  Someone wonderfully and beautifully made in the image of God. 

At least that's one area I can focus on for the day.  Amen. 

This is from the top of Pulpit Rock in Norway, 

one of my favorite places ever my feet have been.  

Where has God guided your feet?  

Emotions

Emotions are such funny things... complicated, wonderful, completely crazy, hurtful, and often dramatic feelings.  I would go as far as to say, emotions make the world go round.

Feelings of ...
love
hatred
happiness
sadness
betrayal
safe
cold
warm
fuzzy
loneliness
powerless
helpful
frustration
contentment
worthy
unworthy
confused
at peace

It is hard often to express ourselves and our emotions, and everyone reacts differently to them.  Some people control and own their emotions entirely while others are "controlled"  by their emotions.  Some people hide their emotions inside while others where them on their sleeve.

Yet every good story has emotion from classic novels to life stories to fables and folktales, movies and song lyrics.  Humans have emotions and our behavior is linked to them.  The key for me however is:  I believe we can not control our emotions, but we can control our behaviors.

For example:  I am terrified of the dark.  Really hate it.  I feel uncomfortable, nervous, frightened.  However I walk home alone in the dark and lead evening activities such as night hikes.  I can overcome my feelings and work through them, but some of them never go away.  Yet they don't control my behavior.

Deeper example:  I often feel overwhelmed by the love of God.  Like a wave has washed over me and everything I have ever worried about will be taken care of because the lover of my soul is here.  Often my response to that love is a feeling of unworthiness and that I should try to earn it.  Be a "good" person, kind and loving, reading my bible and behaving.  But when my "righteous" behavior comes from that feeling - it isn't quite right.  I can push and push all I want, but in the end I feel empty.  I must surrender my feelings to my God.  Only when I can do that can I embrace the love of God that is in me through the holy spirit and truly share it with others - and that brings me true joy.  

How are you feeling today?

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Small groups

We have a series of small groups at church through the "Girlfriends Unlimited" program.  Today our adventure chicks went snow tubing!  It's been really great to get to know women from my church better and on a more personal level.  Hurray!

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Expectations and let downs

Being lonely is a part of life, right?

I had a good morning, really a great morning.  I was invited to the sweethearts breakfast at church and I sat by several good friends.  Then we had book club - we read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet - which was amazing.  Inspirational, emotional, historically accurate, and encouraging.  Then between the library and the book store I got more books a few movies and a good day coming.

I'm excited for my shawl to be done and start another for our living history programs.  I'd really like to get some costumes that fit ME and look good for work too.  I'm working on a great tablecloth for my mom, I am almost done sewing, but I'd really like to hand quilt it.  =)

So lots to do and learn and think about, but still I just got hit with a bout of sadness and loneliness.  I have so many in my life that love me.  My church here in Ohio is wonderful.  My family has really begun to accept me for who I am.  I have wonderful friends.  But there are others in my life who have let me down from my original expectations - you know?  I've been told I give a lot to those in my life.  My time, my energy, my love.  Without seeming to want anything in return... but I beg to be loved.  A note, a hug, a comment, just walking with me - something to let me know that you see me here.  Just trying to fulfill my calling and my purpose.

Sometimes I just wonder about having expectations for relationships.  Is there anyway to avoid the hurt when things don't turn out the way you'd like?  Is this just life?  I have expectations that when I love others - hopefully some of them will love me back.  I try to rest in the knowledge that the creator of the world loves me more than I can imagine and has more for me than I can ever know.  Yet sometimes I find myself wishing for that human love.  To have the physical touch of someone holding you.

Someday.  God willing.

~We can not do great things.  Only small things with great love.  - Mother Teresa

For know, I will rejoice in who I am and the lover of my soul.

In peace and love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Music and Colors

I think it is universally accepted that no one is "normal".  It is fascinating to me to learn peoples little weird quirks - those little things that you've never even thought of that catch you off guard.  You like - what?  What are you doing?  Super funny to hear stories of couples as they are trying to balance which of these they can live with and so forth.

Coming from a musical family (both of my parents are music teachers) I LOVE music... yet I am not a fan of what most people would call "popular".  We weren't really encouraged or allowed to listen to pop or country, let alone rap! yikes, but I have a sincere love for orchestra and choral music.  As I got older, into my teens, I listen to a lot of christian music - but I still wanted the high quality I had grown up with.  Harmony, interesting melodies and chord structure, and most importantly decent vocal technique.  I don't have much patience if I can't understand the words or the pitches being sung.
(I am trying to learn to branch out!)

So one of my quirks though- I organize my music into playlists by color.  (I have had friends comment that this is very strange.)  Yellow is a great playlist to put on in the morning when I'm trying to get energized and wake up.  Green is an all around very "me" music.  My warm brown playlist is mostly acoustic guitar or accapella ish music.  Everything has it's place and it works well for me.  I do sometimes get frustrated with Pandora though.. they don't at all get my color schemes.

I think it's so important to get to know and love yourself.  From identifying little quirks you have to making a list of priorities so you can focus on what you are all about.  Only when we take the time to really grasp who we are can we truly being to live out our purpose.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the most high God. Your playing small doesn't serve this world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you..." - Nelson Mandela


Holy Lord, lover of my soul, I thank you for giving me an inquisitive nature.  Help me to learn more about my nature and how I fit into your beautiful creation.  I pray that you would watch over all those that I love, as they rejoice and as they are weary.  Lift them up with your presence.  I pray that you be with all your children today who are suffering.  Meet their needs both physical and emotional.  Amen.

Wishing you well,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Church as a verb

The United Methodist Church has been working with this new marketing tool for a while:

What if church was a verb?

What if the church was really an inclusive community of faith with it's doors opening and welcoming to EVERYONE?  

This is a marketing strategy aimed at young people.  I believe some of it is a reaction of the topic brought up in Kinnam's book "unchristian".  It's a discussion of issues young people today have with "the church".  Examples:  too political, confusing, not accepting, hypocritical, insensitive, judgmental, old fashioned, out of touch, boring.  So young adults - what is your reaction?  Perhaps a more basic question - what do YOU think of the church?  What has shaped these opinions?  (experience?)  What is your opinion on spirituality?  

Leaders in the church are trying to reach out to our generation.  Here are some questions they have:  

What is essential for a Young Adult to feel accepted in a church for the first time?

What are the factors that will determine whether they come back?

My thoughts - I am looking for a church with a multi generational community (folks my age, kids, all ages).  I want a community which can help me grow as a disciple and is welcoming and open.  Honestly, first I will look at the website, but in order for me to come back I want to feel welcome.  More importantly though I want to have had a positive worship experience - something that spoke to me.  Be it the music, the sermon, or the general feeling and style.  I don't think church is a verb, the church/the body of Christ/the bride of Christ - we are a community of believers - people.   

Your thoughts?  

God Bless your and yours,

your sister in Christ~Erin