Confession

I am a manipulative liar.  I am selfish.  I don't love people as I should.  I am holding on to a grudge I refuse to forgive.

Yikes.  That didn't make me feel better.  =(  Okay, maybe a little?

I feel this constant pressure to be "good".  To be responsible, have my life together, be there for others, and fulfill my promises.  Many people I know have described me as those things over and over before and it's hard to always live up to that.

Sometimes I fail.  I am very forgetful.  But I don't want to come out and admit that I messed up - mostly because I know I will let people down.  So I lie.  Little white lies, but painful for me.  I feel like Paul when he says "Why do I do the things I hate?!?!?"


Romans 7 :15-20
¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Actually reminds me a lot of some of my babblings... thanks Paul.  =)  

I confess I have sinned.  Against God and those I love.  Over and over again I choose to sin.  I choose to not love as I should.  I choose to lie when I get in a tight spot.  I choose to run away or put off instead of face my problems and fears.  I have not been a good disciple.  And as a part of the church, we together have not loved but excluded, judged, and at times even killed in the name of God.  For this I ask for mercy and forgiveness not only from God, but from the non-Christians of the world.  We, the church, have hurt people and to ask their forgiveness for our sins would definitely open some doors.  

Inspired by a story found in Chapter 11 of "Blue like Jazz"  - Thanks Donald Miller!  

In peace with love, 

your sister in Christ~Erin

Rescued

Stories speak to us.  Music and art speak to us.  They connect to something deep within us that we can relate to.  When trying to recall something later - it's these things we remember.  Someone can say something incredibly insightful and life changing, but our human capacity to remember... can forget.

Donald Miller retells a beautiful story in chapter 3.  There is a group of hostages who have been held captive for several months in "some dark corner of the world."  A group of Navy SEALS came in with helicopters and stormed the compound.  Finding the hostages they announced "We came to rescue you - we are Americans"  but none of the hostages would move.  The SEALS knew they couldn't carry them all out... but what to do to help them understand and trust?  One of the the SEALS put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and sat down so near them he was touching several hostages.  He soften his face and put his arms around them.  He loved them to show them he was one of them.  That was something their captors never would have done.  And soon, all the hostages were safely aboard helicopters and heading home.

Warm and fuzzy.  Easy to draw a "christian" comparison.  Jesus comes to us, especially in our dark places and loves us.  He comes wanting to rescue us and will stay and hold us until we are ready to follow him.  I believe we are all children of God - every last one of us.  We can all identify our dark places, and we don't want to be judged on ours so we must not judge others.  God comes to us all to love us, and we too should come to each other to love.

Sometimes it takes more time for us to move from curled up in our corner to standing ready to walk out with our savior.  But I believe God will NEVER give up on any of us.  Ever.

I can relate to the feeling of being rescued - as well as the hostages disbelief.  A few years ago I was very depressed.  So depressed I was just waiting for the right time to take a large bottle of pills I had been saving.  Then came a few days where I was going to be alone and I said goodbye to those I loved.  But God had other plans.  A friend showed up and insisted I come hang out.  Eventually I went.  That night was a battle field inside of me.  I felt God trying to love me, felt his arms around me trying to comfort me but thought I was crazy.  As I felt his touch I wielded around trying to see who was near me - no one.  In my corner I was convinced that I was alone.  No one else really saw me.  No one really loved me.  Any anyone who tried I pushed out.  But that night God wouldn't leave.

After hours of crying, I stood up and walked out of my dark corner and back into the light of the world hand in hand with my savior.  My life has never been the same.

I have gone back to my corner - tried to take control of my life and fight off anything that didn't fit the way I wanted.  Over and over again, God has come to sit with me in my corner until I am ready to leave with him.  I know he will be with you in your corner as well - trust him completely, I know you are scared, but you aren't alone.

In peace with love,
your sister in Christ~Erin

Blue Like Jazz

When I started writing this book I just wanted to end up with something like Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies, because in Traveling Mercies it felt like she was free, free to be herself, to tell her story, to just vent, to rant, to speak as if she were talking to a friend. Traveling Mercies helped me write this book, and in a way, for a while, Anne will be "The Beatles" of spiritual writers, because she has influenced so many of us. I definitely feel as though I got permission from Anne Lamott, permission to be human and to interact with God without all of the mind-melt that comes with growing up in a religious family. I never believed it would be published, and so I was pretty open in this book. My career was dead when I started this thing, so I felt like I was just talking to myself, or to the little reading group that met at my house.

Sting has this song where he says that he is alone on an island and puts a message in a bottle and throws it into the ocean, only to wake the next morning and have a hundred million bottles washed upon his shore. He sings "I guess I'm not alone at being alone," and I think that sums up how I feel about Blue Like Jazz. It feels like I thought I was alone but woke up one morning to discover nothing could be further from the truth. And people have been incredibly kind.

A friend and I are going to read this starting tomorrow - 2 chapters a day.  I'm so excited!  

In peace with Christ, ~Erin